Friday, March 22, 2013

My Brain that works sadly on tangents

I'm so complacent most days that it almost feels good to be angry.

I know I just wrote that statement but I'm not even sure if it's completely true. I want to believe it is but if I were to properly dissect it... am I really complacent? does it really feel good to be angry? Maybe not the anger part. Maybe it just feels good to care enough about something that I got angry about it. Because I guess I haven't cared enough for most things in a while.

It could also mean that I'm too afraid to care about some stuff to actually have it drive me, rile me up, take action. So the answer is d) all of the above. I want to say I'm too afraid to try for things and that explains my inaction. But I don't believe it's really fear. I guess I just don't want to waste effort in things that might not give me a result. I just don't want to expend time on something that may lead me to nothing.

Which is obviously a really stupid way to think. I admit it. I'm not the brightest. And yes, I am extremely self-deprecating. It's obviously a defense mechanism. If I don't like myself this much, it's almost like it helps me care less that people may not like me. Which really doesn't work at all.

Oh man, I'm like a black hole of issues. Which is a paradox. I don't think black holes hold things. Don't take my word on it though. I've realized recently that I am completely uneducated about certain things. I know squat about black holes. Except that it's in space and that it sucks. Literally.

So I'm trying to work on my spirituality. (Yes, this is a tangent, you'll have to work with me here... tangents and off topics and meanderings and wanderings are bound to happen in this blog now that I plan to journal...) And so that means my new goal is to blog about my feelings and thoughts about my day but try to bring it all back to God so I'm reminded of what my faith is and what my purpose is. I'm really not one to talk about spirituality or my beliefs. I prefer it to lie quietly at the back of my mind until it's prodded in church by questions that I don't have answers to but I should (because I've pretty much been in church all my life). So now it comes to a point in my life where I really have to think and look at my faith and just admit to myself why I really believe. And is it really real to me. I really really want to yes that it is... but it's been a while and I honestly can't say I have a real connection with God. Do I want one? Oh yes! But do I try to attempt to get to know? The answer is a sadly, a pretty resounding no. It comes back to my inaction and complacency. It's frustrating.

I really drive myself crazy sometimes.

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