Remember When We Were Young?

So remember that class where I missed 2% because of Community? Hah Hah, funny story...

So yeah, not only did I miss that 2%, I also completely put that class on the backburner, thinking to catch up to it... when I felt like it. Let me tell you, that's always a completely BAD idea, especially when you'll never feel like Women's Poetry. That just doesn't happen.

Anyway, I realized last week that I had a midterm THIS week on that class. I completely freaked out on myself and did five weeks of reading in one week. It was the most intense week. You must see my agenda, it is finally defaced and has WORK in it.

And because this blog post was not just a pity party about my work but to showcase my pretty agenda, I shall do that now:

LOOK AT THE PRETTY COLOUUURS!

Before:

Notice how my Reading Week is empty? Don't Procrastinate!

After:

 

Btw, I adore post-it notes. Absolutely *adore* them. Nothing makes me happier than books, movies and stationary. And food.

The story of how I Inceptioned my sister

Haha,

so a new year has started for school and the same thing happens every year. I totally feel unmotivated, which means I'm constantly testing deadlines and pushing myself to the limit. Not in a good way. So this means you'll find me sitting at the computer for ten hours trying to convince myself to do my work until it's the next day and I finish it in half an hour expecting just as good results as if I spent hours on it. I make the future me so angry with the past me.

It'll probably look like this if timelines with past me, present me and future me existed together:

Present Me lazing around the internet (probably looking at fluffy animals looking fluffy on Youtube): "Aw man, Future Me is going to be sooo pissed that I'm not doing something productive. Future Me is totally going to curse me for not even looking at my agenda. Future Me is going to be screwed about that deadline tomorrow. In fact, I'm pissed at Past Me from five minutes ago already; WHY DIDN'T I EVEN START ANYTHING ALREADY? OMG, which totally makes me SUPER ANGRY at FIVE SECOND AGO PAST ME... because I'm still angsting about this without starting my work still!!"

And yeah, you can see, it's not pretty when I'm just harrassing myself about working... instead of, you know, working.

So anyway, recently I completely screwed myself over 2% of my grade because I didn't do an online post for a class (and yet I did an online post for a class that is Pass and Fail... Priorities, what are they?) and instead spent three beautiful days doing a Community show marathon.

Best three days of my life.

Best three regretful days of my life (when I think hard about it... but I won't).

But before anyone judges, I totally spent those three days productive in another manner... and no, not productive in a Community Marathon manner, which also counts, but I actually accomplished something! I've always told my sister to watch the show but she consistently remarked that the show sucked and it wasn't her humour. Well, anyway, I'm a tenacious being (in some aspects of life, mainly where homework isn't concerned //this is totally going to bite me in the butt when I become a teacher.) so I thought to slowly INCEPTION her into loving the show (because I'm a loving sister and believe good things MUST be shared... and I also can procrastinate like MAD). The way I inceptioned her into loving the show was to reluctantly play Monopoly Deal with her only if she allowed me to choose a show to put on as background noise. So slowly as we played Monopoly Deal, and I demonstrated how distracting and awesome the show was, she was slowly hooked. And that was all we did together for THREE days, watch NONSTOP Community. It was easily the best sister bonding moment ever.

I tell you, some things are worth more accomplishment wise. 2%? Nah! Getting your sister to love Community? TOTALLY FTW! :D

Being organized.

Hopefully this year with an actual Agenda I will be prepped and organized.

It'll also most likely become my new doodle book. :D

I succumb so easily

to useless things. But they make me so happy!

This is Charley*
He is a Horse!
He is shy but he likes sunshine!
He does not make friends easily because he is socially awkward.
:P

And here are some things I accidentally bought at CNE. I need to stop buying useless things but they are so adorable!!!!!! And really, technically, together it is semi-useless because at least the mousepad is useful. It makes me so happy! :D

*(hehe, my sister named him... Charley as in Charley Horse!).

I'm only productive when I feel like it

... and it isn't very often.

Here are some pictures of things I've been up to... which is not a lot.

I giggle infinitely more when I'm by myself.

Fishes, AGAIN.

I spent a good 3 minute talking to my fish and telling him how I had a dream where I forgot to feed him with a bunch of other fishies in the tank (which I don't have, as they all died off instead of him... The past fishes are a-haunting!) and then they were so starving hungry that they picked and nipped at him till he died and laid in a pool of his own blood. It was very sad.

Anyway, the point is, I spent THREE MINUTES talking to my fish. That is two minutes and fifty seconds MORE than I should be talking to a fish.

This is sadness. THIS IS SPARTA!!!

And in those three minutes I also tested its psychic ability by telling him to swim up or down within a time limit if it could understand me.

 And he did. He really did. I don't even know if I'm even half-serious anymore. What is wrong with me??!

Winter Sky

There was one day in winter (a really cold day) where the sky was a bright cheery storybook blue.

It was really nice. And it's a memory I keep because it makes me happy. :)

I've picked up felting again. Me and my sister have been doing it like mad these past few days. There is something strangely calming about felting and it's really simple to do!

We're also thinking about selling them because they make really great pins. So cute!

Here are several of our creations:

I'm also thinking about starting a new art project with these random bits of decorative metal I found while walking on Kensington Market with a friend. So cool! :D

Maybe some jewelry, some bobby pins... whatever!

My Ignorancce

Discovering my ignorance in World Geography, I have decided that this summer I will attempt to educate myself so I will be more aware globally. At this time I'm also itching to read on some mass conquering figures of the past world like Alexander the Great or Genghis Khan so that hopefully I would learn about the past and the present.

I also want a World Map so that every time I find myself ignorant of a place or unable to geographically locate something I can whip out my gigantic world map, spread it on the table a la pirate/conquering figure style and search through it wildly like I'm on a quest. I feel as if this will help me learn much better and there will be a greater sense of drama and suspense as I discover new places.

Arr!

Storybook Tales

I want to be a heroine in my own novel. Not a side-bit character.

Tim Burton

Went to the Tim Burton exhibition last Sunday. Superb! Love him! Love his art more than his films actually, and his quirky poems.

I couldn't help myself at the gift shop, I had to buy a Tim Burton figurine, and I think it's cute and cupcake looking. I want to EAT it.

Life isn't easy
For the Pin Cushion Queen
When she sits on her throne
Pins push through her spleen.

by: Tim Burton

I want this for lunch, SO BAD

But then I think about how someone had to have shaped that with their hands.

 ehhhh... I'll probably still eat it. Lunch challenge of the summer!!!

I have to go to work tomorrow. *cries*

And I only pretended to work on my assignments today. Now I'll be wasting a day AND a half. This is bad. :(

Bleep Bleep Bloop Bloop.

I want to be robotized. 

Story on a Post-it Note

So I did something that I thought only happened in dramas...

Recently in ASL (American Sign Language) class we've been learning how to describe people with signs. Our professor likes to put up pictures from magazines and have us describe them. There was one photo he put up with two baseball players where one man was kissing the other on the forehead. I suppose that picture stuck with me because on the bus later I fell asleep and had a dream where I was platonically kissing people on the forehead. I woke up halfway through my dream to find myself pursing my lips in a kiss to no one in particular. Upon realization I quickly stopped.

But Boy, was that awkward.

Creepy Ninja

I had a moment yesterday where I felt completely liquid. I mean the feeling I get where I feel all over the place. Where my thoughts aren't completely contained and I'm just not solid enough to remain in my skin. I just kind of ooze all over. My thoughts kind of slip and slide all over but I'm not giddy or excited, just lethargic. Like I left little pieces of self-goo in different locations. Wherever I am, I just drip and drool some part of me behind.

It's a strange description, but pretty apt for what I felt.

And here are some creepy doodles to explain. I apologize for said creepiness:

My sister is flying and has just got back to Toronto and needs a ride home. I am texting her as she is still on the plane and needs to wait for all the passengers to get off before she can head home.

Me: Moooom! Wendy needs a ride!
Mom: Okay, I'll let dad know!! Are you faxing to her right now?
Me: It's texting mom! Not faxing! Faxing works with PAPER.
Mom: Whatever!

And my mother claims to have been more technologically savvy recently. LIES.


The funny thing is my mom SHOULD know what faxing means, she was just talking about it with another auntie who wanted to know if we still had a fax machine. Oh, mom.

Kinetic Poetry

I just got back from a Deaf event. It's a part of my sign language class curriculum where we have to partake in deaf culture and its community. I chose to go to the St. Patrick's Day event held at George Brown college. It was just a social gathering at their lounge.

I was so nervous walking in and so awkward standing around, firstly, because I don't drink and secondly, I do not sign fluently or well. I was just so eager to actually talk to someone but didn't know how. I stood around for a while with a few people from my class and we practiced signing what we would say to them while eyeing people across the room, hoping for someone to come over to say hi. Most of them were already clustered in a group and I just wasn't comfortable enough to intrude. I also felt rude if I looked too long at them signing, as if I were eavesdropping on their conversation.

Anyway, I plucked up my courage and caught the eye of a girl sitting close by. She was so nice, and we had a good conversation while others came along to say hi. It was nice. I found that I am way more comfortable meeting people when I actually don't have to speak outloud. Also, since I'm focusing on their hands so much, there is less awkward staring where I try to figure out which eye to look into or whatever. It was nice not to feel awkward for two hours.

I would totally do this again. :D

Japanese Paper Doll Bookmarks

I made a bookmark for my cousin in Hong Kong because I had promised her last summer that I would get a red maple leaf for her during Autumn and I still haven't sent it yet. :(

I procrastinate way too much. Haha!

Anyway, I made her a Japanese paper doll bookmark which I copied from ones I bought at the store One's (confusing wording, lol). It's actually rather simple to make once you look at it, but tedious for me because I'm a really slow worker.

I read somewhere that these bookmarks are given from an older sister to a younger sister to encourage them in their studies which I think is pretty cool since my cousin just graduated last year.

Images!

The far left was made for me from my sister and the two far right are store bought. The differences are pretty notable especially since I didn't have the nice hair tissue paper the store bought ones are made of.

Also, speaking about Japan, I find their spirit commendable! I'm in awe of how tightly bound their culture is and how they can come together as a nation to help each other out. Praying for them!

Better in my thoughts

It makes me sad that so many things I think about are so much better in my thoughts. Like the post I did way back on the idea of newspaper and cigarettes. They make me think of Sherlock Holmes and conjure up this amazing image of libraries, but the truth is both newspaper and cigarettes stink with a very chemical and acrid smell.

Now the idea of Old Perfume comes up in the very same way. It appears romantic in writing and it seems to be full of promise with the idea of a heavy, aged and rich aroma but the truth is, it just smells cheap and overly strong.

This makes me sad.

More Drooling Over

I forgot to add this to the things I love! Ashley Wood and her amazing figurines! I love her work but I especially like her steampunk robots! They're aged and rusty looking. I want! But also way over my art-lover's budget. Maybe one day... *cries*

I'm not the hugest collectors of figurines but I have several Dunnies. I think I just like the surprise of opening the box. Don't particular like them, it was a phase. :( But I do  have a Julie West figurine that I bought for my birthday 2 years ago. It was affordable and I had planned to collect all 3. Now they're all gone. :(

Drooling Over

I just got a little locket watch from my sister who bought it in Hong Kong. It has an owl face on the front and I love it.

It also reminds me how much I love Steampunk art. Too bad they're usually ridiculously expensive! I'm currently drooling over the hand-crafted keyboards this artist does and I think I'm in love! They're so expensive though and I don't know how comfortable they are. A little voice inside me says it's all worth it for the look.

The artist Richard Nagy does all kind of awesome work. I'm super impressed and it's stumbling on gems like these that make me giddy with joy. I love all his keyboards but just to show an example of what he does I picked the Sojourner keyboard which I think is super spiffy!

The other thing I'm drooling over is the book "Rose Daughter" by Robin McKinley. It's a retelling of "Beauty and the Beast" and I'm a sucker for retellings of fairytales or alternate fairytales. I love them! Anyway, I have a particularly soft spot for anything by Robin McKinley and just found out recently that there is an art book of "Rose Daughter" with the most amazing illustrations. The illustrations are drawn by the artist Anne Bachelier and her work is beautiful! It's whimsical and slightly creepy but so wispy and pretty.

I also want it so bad but it's $200! Way too much. Only if I had a full time job and more money.

*sigh*

but it's still nice to wish for things. :D

Asian Encouragement

Dating tips from my Father

Maybe my parents are getting desperate about me because just today while on the way to work me and my dad had a conversation about dating. He told me it was time for me to get a boyfriend and to show interest in the opposite sex. I mentioned how I just wasn't interested in anyone right now and neither was anyone interested in me. He insisted that if I showed interest in guys they would be interested back (I think he totally missed the part where I mentioned I wasn't interested in anyone right now). So, just out of interest I provided a hypothetical situation where I said "what if the guy I like already has a girlfriend?"

Dad: "Well... it's not like they're married right?"
Me: "..."
Dad: "Go for it! Take a Chance, take initiative! He may not like her that much anyway!"
Me: "So, you're okay with your daughter breaking up relationships?"
Dad: "No relationship is a confirmed thing till you're married!"
Me: "Wow."
Dad: "I read this book where this fat girl was writing about how girls like her need to be aggressive and make advances or else they'll never get a guy!"
Me: "Are you calling me fat?"
Dad: "...no"

Now I know my dad is desperate enough to support me in stealing boyfriends.


My face for the day: o__O

My favourite dinosaur is the Thesaurus. It eats my essays.

:)

Frankenstein Art

And it scanned!
So as you can see below the art looks like a clashing collage of three different things that don't connect. I kept trying to fix it and was taking a lot of breaks in between, that is why it's so all over the place. I also meant to give it to someone but partway through I realized how emo and creepy it looked. I totally regret adding those hideous creatures. It makes me sad. They're not even an endearing ugly! :(

 

And here I divided it into three sections to show how unfortunately mismatched it is. It also shows how I worked, which is starting from the right to the left. I was trying so hard to fix it that I drew more detailed as I went as you can see from the first tree to the second tree and then the fishies.

And this is the unfortunate mishap that completely ruined my love for it. I couldn't fix it. Tried so hard, but uh uh. :(

 

But this is my favourite part. Because I like fishes, waves and lines. I also like trees. But those creatures completely ruined those trees. Thank goodness for Photoshop though, managed to erase the slug head from my favourite part.

 

And that is what I spent a good big chunk of my day doing yesterday. Instead of focusing on schoolwork. In my defense, it was Family Day in Canada and I had no family to celebrate with. So this was a pretty good alternative. :D

Today I wanted to post some art to spice up the blog from all those words I've written recently, but my art wasn't very good and it refused to scan. It made me feel sad. and kind of disappointed. even though I didn't particularly like the stuff I drew.

It took me a long time to draw it. Maybe because I am lazy and took breaks in between, and it made me cringe. It looks like a frankenstein of three different art meshed together lazily.

Which actually explains a lot.

I was also planning to give it to someone, but it's not really good. Which should be all the more reason to get rid of it, but usually I kind of like the drawings I give people.



Edit: The more time I spent staring at it in disgust, the more it started to endear itself to me, except for one part. Anyway, I suppose that is what happens when you spend a lot of time on something...

Bruxism

I've been so stressed and tense lately that I've taken to gritting and clenching my teeth at night and during the day. I've had to force myself to relax and the concentration of relaxing and the act of trying to relax just stresses me further. It's an endless frustration and I feel as if I'm spilling my frustration and unhappiness onto others. I've been so disappointed lately and I'm slowly turning embittered. It's a nasty thing to feel and this self-loathing builds up inside because I know that being petty, spiteful and bitter are just low emotions.

I used to find a way to avoid stress through sleeping because it was in those hours  that I could lose myself in dreams that gave me life in another reality, but now that's ruined for me too. With my gritting of teeth I wake up in the middle of the night aching in my jaw. This dull, pounding pain that pulses making me feel as if every individual tooth in my mouth has a heartbeat. I feel so betrayed by my fitful sleep that when I wake up in the middle of the night I just feel so angry and upset.

I even hate this venting that I'm doing right now. It feels selfish but I have to write it out because my misery likes company. I feel like a nasty and miserably small person right now.

Pray for me?

So... I'm broke! Just in time for reading week.

On the bright side, it's nearly payday!

I am so unhealthy!

I eat "real food" or "main course meals" just so I can eat dessert.

Because I feel guilty just eating dessert on an empty stomach.

Just had sticky rice so now I can have some green tea ice cream! :D

The indecisive me

I flip-flop more than a fish out of water.

I'm constantly changing and my ideas and perceptions of myself are always fluctuating. I have this giant fear that people who first get to know me have this entirely wrong image of who I am. It's only those who are with me almost always who can attempt to pinpoint who I am and what I would do in certain situations.

I feel less real and less true to myself because who I am changes all the time. What I wanted 5 minutes ago is different than right now. What I felt strongly a week ago is different from now. I feel like I'm lying to myself and others. I wish I was more decisive about my feelings but I'm not, and I don't think I'll ever plan to change that.

I've always been someone who wrote in a loophole for myself. Every decision I've made was never with 100% certainty or confidence and every thought I've had no matter how small and sometimes innocuous has been charged or marked with a percentage of how sure I am with that thought. Even when I tell others that I'm 100% sure about something it's always prefixed with an "at least I'm pretty sure" or a "at least I think so maybe". 

Even now I feel as if I'm lying even though what I'm writing right here feels true, but it may not be true tomorrow and I may look back on this blog (like I often do) feeling as if I lied to myself and to others and I will wonder if I'm lying to others as I speak to them because I am only who I am at the moment and no one can account for the me yesterday or the me tomorrow. Not even me, because I can only feel like I'm telling the real truth of my being only while I am right here, right now.

And that is why I always tend to make decisions for myself in regards to thinking of the me yesterday or the me tomorrow. Or at least I try to. It's a hit and miss situation.

Nervous Energy

I absolutely hate when I have the spotlight. It makes me uneasy and queasy. I realized this in my Contemporary Theory tutorial where we usually discuss the texts we've read that week. Usually I have a friend with me who is extra exuberant and extra out-going that always asks questions in class (usually really random, tangent-off questions that always semi-connect with the topic) while I try to squeeze myself from view or look outside the window trying to dodge the gazes that are headed our way. Anyway, one day she didn't come to class and we were talking about Marx or Adorno or someone and then a question was brought up, a question I could actually answer! However, as soon as that thought popped into my head my heart started speeding up until I was literally jumping with my heartbeat and at that moment all I could think of to myself was: "Stoopid Heart! Why are you beating so hard! Who told you I was even going to SAY the answer out loud!" but all Stoopid Heart replied with was: "BOOMbity BOOMbity BOOM!!!!"

I tried to take deep breaths, I tried to be zen and reason with it but to no avail, I was perspiring and semi-shaking and all because somehow unconsciously I wanted to answer a question I kind of didn't want to answer (does that make sense?). So I raised my hand timidly to get attention but no one looked my way, so down my hand went while my heart still went: "BOOMbity BOOMbity BOOM!!" and I told it that "Hey! You can stop now! I tried and no one looked my way! It's not happening! I'm not going to answer, SO CHILL, just CHILL for goodness sake!!" but it totally ignored me, and because I had no way of making myself relax until I just ANSWERED, I did. And thank goodness, I didn't stutter, or twitch. I just said what I had to say and hoped that everyone would look away or start discussing something else as soon as possible. And they did, and my heart stopped being stoopid. So this story does have a happy ending.

But this experience is just SAD. I don't know why I have such a fear of public speaking or speaking to people in general. It terrifies me when I meet someone who is intense and completely at ease with themselves because they expect you to be at ease with yourself too, and that is just too much pressure! And when they're intense they tend to intensely stare at you and all that focused energy on me makes me frazzled and uncomfortable. That's why I HATE when people speak so close to my face... I mean, why do they need to get up so close and personal? WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY PORES?! Ah, I need more defense mechanisms besides trying to sidestep them or moving back or looking down or skirting around a table or something.


Am I pathetic or what?

Going Old-School

Yesterday, our faucet/shower head broke and I was too lazy/afraid of the dark/cold to head down to the basement and use the working shower there so instead I decided to shower old-school style upstairs because it seemed so appealing/humorous/I was lazy.

Anyway, I had to use a bucket to shower and it was the funniest and funnest thing I've did all week. Honestly, I wouldn't mind doing that again... although it was very cold. But I think I'm saving water, so that's a bonus!

Yay, Old-School for the win!

Shark Attack!

You know that terrible dreading moment I was having a week ago?

And that awful feeling where I forgot to do my school work?

Yup, Premonition. It happened, but at least I found out before it was too late. I was babysitting last night and the mother of the kids I was babysitting goes to the same school and takes an online course with me. She mentioned offhandedly after she got home at 9:30 last night that she just finished a paper for that class that was due in TWO days. I stared stupidly at her for like 40 seconds before I responded with an "Oh yeah, that paper?" and managed to fib my way through the conversation. Trying to appear as if I wasn't a total idiot who didn't look at the class syllabus.

In my defense I did look at the class syllabus but the assignment was scheduled on the syllabus so that it appeared to be weeks after the date Feb 15 when in fact it said Feb 2nd, appearing in a later slot in the table. I totally kicked myself for not reading it properly.

But at least now I am back in the school mode frame of mind. Thank goodness! My inactivity and wandering has been driving me nuts. I think I need stress like this sometimes to kick me into action.

I'm stressed but at least I'm a little more organized now. Phew?

Abnormal

Alternating between feeling apathetic and full of dread this week. I haven't completely caught up to real world yet and I'm in between "what-does-it-even-matter" and "oh-my-stomach-feels-so-queasy-and-scary".

It's that kind of dread where you wake up in the middle of the night wondering if you had a paper due the next day that you forgot and your stomach flip-flops even after you realize that the paper is due next week not tomorrow.

Or that hanging feeling you have while treading water but you're oh-so-tired and everything below you is so deep and dark, and could that possibly be something moving underneath yo--SHARK! feeling.

Ah, give me the life of the robot. My laziness knows no bounds.

Anyway, while I'm here to clear up thoughts, let me make some quick resolutions for this year.

1. Eat more healthily: more water! more fruits!
2. Think more carefully before I speak
3. Attempt more art

*I really should at least accomplish one of these in this year...

Wonderful felted things and other stuff

So... I did end up doing felting and therefore did accomplish a goal last year! Yay me! Except after 3 days of straight on felting my arm started getting all achey from nonstop stabbing. Therefore I have taken a long break from it. Anyway, these are the creations I have made:

Unfortunate mishap and Owl

 The first creation I made was the owl. It took me quite a while but it turned out decent, I think. The second one is that white anomaly beside the owl. He was an unfortunate mishap. I gave him away because I didn't feel like he could be properly loved by me. The squiggly on his face was supposed to be a mustache. It was supposed to save him from his odd ears, except now he looks even odder. Sadness...

The Gang

So these are some more of the felted creations I've made. The owl is still the same owl from above but I felt like he would make the picture look better since he's the most normal looking one. *sigh...

Pretty Cups!

Pretty cups that were really cheap and nice I got at the Micheal's Art store where I was hunting down felting materials. Unfortunately there was none to be found. I feel lied to by the Curry's art people who specifically told me that there would be felting materials at Micheal's! Now I feel as if they don't know their stuff. :( And you think they would! 

Mr. Pirate Parrot

And this is a Parrot I saw at my chiropractors. I fell in love with him instantly because he looked all lonely and bored. Now I want a Parrot! I'm so easily impressed and persuaded. 

Elementary my dear Watson!

Eating a Tomato, Lettuce and Ham sandwich and drinking apple juice. I feel like I'm in elementary again with a paper bag lunch. All I need is red jello to make this a time travel moment back into an overstuffed cafeteria on paper bag lunch day.

MMmmm, delicious nostalgia! :)

Growth

I am a Palindrome.

the big 22


cheers!