The indecisive me

I flip-flop more than a fish out of water.

I'm constantly changing and my ideas and perceptions of myself are always fluctuating. I have this giant fear that people who first get to know me have this entirely wrong image of who I am. It's only those who are with me almost always who can attempt to pinpoint who I am and what I would do in certain situations.

I feel less real and less true to myself because who I am changes all the time. What I wanted 5 minutes ago is different than right now. What I felt strongly a week ago is different from now. I feel like I'm lying to myself and others. I wish I was more decisive about my feelings but I'm not, and I don't think I'll ever plan to change that.

I've always been someone who wrote in a loophole for myself. Every decision I've made was never with 100% certainty or confidence and every thought I've had no matter how small and sometimes innocuous has been charged or marked with a percentage of how sure I am with that thought. Even when I tell others that I'm 100% sure about something it's always prefixed with an "at least I'm pretty sure" or a "at least I think so maybe". 

Even now I feel as if I'm lying even though what I'm writing right here feels true, but it may not be true tomorrow and I may look back on this blog (like I often do) feeling as if I lied to myself and to others and I will wonder if I'm lying to others as I speak to them because I am only who I am at the moment and no one can account for the me yesterday or the me tomorrow. Not even me, because I can only feel like I'm telling the real truth of my being only while I am right here, right now.

And that is why I always tend to make decisions for myself in regards to thinking of the me yesterday or the me tomorrow. Or at least I try to. It's a hit and miss situation.