Nervous Energy

I absolutely hate when I have the spotlight. It makes me uneasy and queasy. I realized this in my Contemporary Theory tutorial where we usually discuss the texts we've read that week. Usually I have a friend with me who is extra exuberant and extra out-going that always asks questions in class (usually really random, tangent-off questions that always semi-connect with the topic) while I try to squeeze myself from view or look outside the window trying to dodge the gazes that are headed our way. Anyway, one day she didn't come to class and we were talking about Marx or Adorno or someone and then a question was brought up, a question I could actually answer! However, as soon as that thought popped into my head my heart started speeding up until I was literally jumping with my heartbeat and at that moment all I could think of to myself was: "Stoopid Heart! Why are you beating so hard! Who told you I was even going to SAY the answer out loud!" but all Stoopid Heart replied with was: "BOOMbity BOOMbity BOOM!!!!"

I tried to take deep breaths, I tried to be zen and reason with it but to no avail, I was perspiring and semi-shaking and all because somehow unconsciously I wanted to answer a question I kind of didn't want to answer (does that make sense?). So I raised my hand timidly to get attention but no one looked my way, so down my hand went while my heart still went: "BOOMbity BOOMbity BOOM!!" and I told it that "Hey! You can stop now! I tried and no one looked my way! It's not happening! I'm not going to answer, SO CHILL, just CHILL for goodness sake!!" but it totally ignored me, and because I had no way of making myself relax until I just ANSWERED, I did. And thank goodness, I didn't stutter, or twitch. I just said what I had to say and hoped that everyone would look away or start discussing something else as soon as possible. And they did, and my heart stopped being stoopid. So this story does have a happy ending.

But this experience is just SAD. I don't know why I have such a fear of public speaking or speaking to people in general. It terrifies me when I meet someone who is intense and completely at ease with themselves because they expect you to be at ease with yourself too, and that is just too much pressure! And when they're intense they tend to intensely stare at you and all that focused energy on me makes me frazzled and uncomfortable. That's why I HATE when people speak so close to my face... I mean, why do they need to get up so close and personal? WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY PORES?! Ah, I need more defense mechanisms besides trying to sidestep them or moving back or looking down or skirting around a table or something.


Am I pathetic or what?