Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Frankenstein Art

And it scanned!
So as you can see below the art looks like a clashing collage of three different things that don't connect. I kept trying to fix it and was taking a lot of breaks in between, that is why it's so all over the place. I also meant to give it to someone but partway through I realized how emo and creepy it looked. I totally regret adding those hideous creatures. It makes me sad. They're not even an endearing ugly! :(


And here I divided it into three sections to show how unfortunately mismatched it is. It also shows how I worked, which is starting from the right to the left. I was trying so hard to fix it that I drew more detailed as I went as you can see from the first tree to the second tree and then the fishies.

And this is the unfortunate mishap that completely ruined my love for it. I couldn't fix it. Tried so hard, but uh uh. :(


But this is my favourite part. Because I like fishes, waves and lines. I also like trees. But those creatures completely ruined those trees. Thank goodness for Photoshop though, managed to erase the slug head from my favourite part.


And that is what I spent a good big chunk of my day doing yesterday. Instead of focusing on schoolwork. In my defense, it was Family Day in Canada and I had no family to celebrate with. So this was a pretty good alternative. :D


Monday, February 21, 2011

Today I wanted to post some art to spice up the blog from all those words I've written recently, but my art wasn't very good and it refused to scan. It made me feel sad. and kind of disappointed. even though I didn't particularly like the stuff I drew.

It took me a long time to draw it. Maybe because I am lazy and took breaks in between, and it made me cringe. It looks like a frankenstein of three different art meshed together lazily.

Which actually explains a lot.

I was also planning to give it to someone, but it's not really good. Which should be all the more reason to get rid of it, but usually I kind of like the drawings I give people.



Edit: The more time I spent staring at it in disgust, the more it started to endear itself to me, except for one part. Anyway, I suppose that is what happens when you spend a lot of time on something...

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Bruxism

I've been so stressed and tense lately that I've taken to gritting and clenching my teeth at night and during the day. I've had to force myself to relax and the concentration of relaxing and the act of trying to relax just stresses me further. It's an endless frustration and I feel as if I'm spilling my frustration and unhappiness onto others. I've been so disappointed lately and I'm slowly turning embittered. It's a nasty thing to feel and this self-loathing builds up inside because I know that being petty, spiteful and bitter are just low emotions.

I used to find a way to avoid stress through sleeping because it was in those hours  that I could lose myself in dreams that gave me life in another reality, but now that's ruined for me too. With my gritting of teeth I wake up in the middle of the night aching in my jaw. This dull, pounding pain that pulses making me feel as if every individual tooth in my mouth has a heartbeat. I feel so betrayed by my fitful sleep that when I wake up in the middle of the night I just feel so angry and upset.

I even hate this venting that I'm doing right now. It feels selfish but I have to write it out because my misery likes company. I feel like a nasty and miserably small person right now.

Pray for me?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

So... I'm broke! Just in time for reading week.

On the bright side, it's nearly payday!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I am so unhealthy!

I eat "real food" or "main course meals" just so I can eat dessert.

Because I feel guilty just eating dessert on an empty stomach.

Just had sticky rice so now I can have some green tea ice cream! :D

The indecisive me

I flip-flop more than a fish out of water.

I'm constantly changing and my ideas and perceptions of myself are always fluctuating. I have this giant fear that people who first get to know me have this entirely wrong image of who I am. It's only those who are with me almost always who can attempt to pinpoint who I am and what I would do in certain situations.

I feel less real and less true to myself because who I am changes all the time. What I wanted 5 minutes ago is different than right now. What I felt strongly a week ago is different from now. I feel like I'm lying to myself and others. I wish I was more decisive about my feelings but I'm not, and I don't think I'll ever plan to change that.

I've always been someone who wrote in a loophole for myself. Every decision I've made was never with 100% certainty or confidence and every thought I've had no matter how small and sometimes innocuous has been charged or marked with a percentage of how sure I am with that thought. Even when I tell others that I'm 100% sure about something it's always prefixed with an "at least I'm pretty sure" or a "at least I think so maybe". 

Even now I feel as if I'm lying even though what I'm writing right here feels true, but it may not be true tomorrow and I may look back on this blog (like I often do) feeling as if I lied to myself and to others and I will wonder if I'm lying to others as I speak to them because I am only who I am at the moment and no one can account for the me yesterday or the me tomorrow. Not even me, because I can only feel like I'm telling the real truth of my being only while I am right here, right now.

And that is why I always tend to make decisions for myself in regards to thinking of the me yesterday or the me tomorrow. Or at least I try to. It's a hit and miss situation.

Nervous Energy

I absolutely hate when I have the spotlight. It makes me uneasy and queasy. I realized this in my Contemporary Theory tutorial where we usually discuss the texts we've read that week. Usually I have a friend with me who is extra exuberant and extra out-going that always asks questions in class (usually really random, tangent-off questions that always semi-connect with the topic) while I try to squeeze myself from view or look outside the window trying to dodge the gazes that are headed our way. Anyway, one day she didn't come to class and we were talking about Marx or Adorno or someone and then a question was brought up, a question I could actually answer! However, as soon as that thought popped into my head my heart started speeding up until I was literally jumping with my heartbeat and at that moment all I could think of to myself was: "Stoopid Heart! Why are you beating so hard! Who told you I was even going to SAY the answer out loud!" but all Stoopid Heart replied with was: "BOOMbity BOOMbity BOOM!!!!"

I tried to take deep breaths, I tried to be zen and reason with it but to no avail, I was perspiring and semi-shaking and all because somehow unconsciously I wanted to answer a question I kind of didn't want to answer (does that make sense?). So I raised my hand timidly to get attention but no one looked my way, so down my hand went while my heart still went: "BOOMbity BOOMbity BOOM!!" and I told it that "Hey! You can stop now! I tried and no one looked my way! It's not happening! I'm not going to answer, SO CHILL, just CHILL for goodness sake!!" but it totally ignored me, and because I had no way of making myself relax until I just ANSWERED, I did. And thank goodness, I didn't stutter, or twitch. I just said what I had to say and hoped that everyone would look away or start discussing something else as soon as possible. And they did, and my heart stopped being stoopid. So this story does have a happy ending.

But this experience is just SAD. I don't know why I have such a fear of public speaking or speaking to people in general. It terrifies me when I meet someone who is intense and completely at ease with themselves because they expect you to be at ease with yourself too, and that is just too much pressure! And when they're intense they tend to intensely stare at you and all that focused energy on me makes me frazzled and uncomfortable. That's why I HATE when people speak so close to my face... I mean, why do they need to get up so close and personal? WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY PORES?! Ah, I need more defense mechanisms besides trying to sidestep them or moving back or looking down or skirting around a table or something.


Am I pathetic or what?

Going Old-School

Yesterday, our faucet/shower head broke and I was too lazy/afraid of the dark/cold to head down to the basement and use the working shower there so instead I decided to shower old-school style upstairs because it seemed so appealing/humorous/I was lazy.

Anyway, I had to use a bucket to shower and it was the funniest and funnest thing I've did all week. Honestly, I wouldn't mind doing that again... although it was very cold. But I think I'm saving water, so that's a bonus!

Yay, Old-School for the win!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Shark Attack!

You know that terrible dreading moment I was having a week ago?

And that awful feeling where I forgot to do my school work?

Yup, Premonition. It happened, but at least I found out before it was too late. I was babysitting last night and the mother of the kids I was babysitting goes to the same school and takes an online course with me. She mentioned offhandedly after she got home at 9:30 last night that she just finished a paper for that class that was due in TWO days. I stared stupidly at her for like 40 seconds before I responded with an "Oh yeah, that paper?" and managed to fib my way through the conversation. Trying to appear as if I wasn't a total idiot who didn't look at the class syllabus.

In my defense I did look at the class syllabus but the assignment was scheduled on the syllabus so that it appeared to be weeks after the date Feb 15 when in fact it said Feb 2nd, appearing in a later slot in the table. I totally kicked myself for not reading it properly.

But at least now I am back in the school mode frame of mind. Thank goodness! My inactivity and wandering has been driving me nuts. I think I need stress like this sometimes to kick me into action.

I'm stressed but at least I'm a little more organized now. Phew?