My Brain that works sadly on tangents

I'm so complacent most days that it almost feels good to be angry.

I know I just wrote that statement but I'm not even sure if it's completely true. I want to believe it is but if I were to properly dissect it... am I really complacent? does it really feel good to be angry? Maybe not the anger part. Maybe it just feels good to care enough about something that I got angry about it. Because I guess I haven't cared enough for most things in a while.

It could also mean that I'm too afraid to care about some stuff to actually have it drive me, rile me up, take action. So the answer is d) all of the above. I want to say I'm too afraid to try for things and that explains my inaction. But I don't believe it's really fear. I guess I just don't want to waste effort in things that might not give me a result. I just don't want to expend time on something that may lead me to nothing.

Which is obviously a really stupid way to think. I admit it. I'm not the brightest. And yes, I am extremely self-deprecating. It's obviously a defense mechanism. If I don't like myself this much, it's almost like it helps me care less that people may not like me. Which really doesn't work at all.

Oh man, I'm like a black hole of issues. Which is a paradox. I don't think black holes hold things. Don't take my word on it though. I've realized recently that I am completely uneducated about certain things. I know squat about black holes. Except that it's in space and that it sucks. Literally.

So I'm trying to work on my spirituality. (Yes, this is a tangent, you'll have to work with me here... tangents and off topics and meanderings and wanderings are bound to happen in this blog now that I plan to journal...) And so that means my new goal is to blog about my feelings and thoughts about my day but try to bring it all back to God so I'm reminded of what my faith is and what my purpose is. I'm really not one to talk about spirituality or my beliefs. I prefer it to lie quietly at the back of my mind until it's prodded in church by questions that I don't have answers to but I should (because I've pretty much been in church all my life). So now it comes to a point in my life where I really have to think and look at my faith and just admit to myself why I really believe. And is it really real to me. I really really want to yes that it is... but it's been a while and I honestly can't say I have a real connection with God. Do I want one? Oh yes! But do I try to attempt to get to know? The answer is a sadly, a pretty resounding no. It comes back to my inaction and complacency. It's frustrating.

I really drive myself crazy sometimes.

Nervous Energy

I absolutely hate when I have the spotlight. It makes me uneasy and queasy. I realized this in my Contemporary Theory tutorial where we usually discuss the texts we've read that week. Usually I have a friend with me who is extra exuberant and extra out-going that always asks questions in class (usually really random, tangent-off questions that always semi-connect with the topic) while I try to squeeze myself from view or look outside the window trying to dodge the gazes that are headed our way. Anyway, one day she didn't come to class and we were talking about Marx or Adorno or someone and then a question was brought up, a question I could actually answer! However, as soon as that thought popped into my head my heart started speeding up until I was literally jumping with my heartbeat and at that moment all I could think of to myself was: "Stoopid Heart! Why are you beating so hard! Who told you I was even going to SAY the answer out loud!" but all Stoopid Heart replied with was: "BOOMbity BOOMbity BOOM!!!!"

I tried to take deep breaths, I tried to be zen and reason with it but to no avail, I was perspiring and semi-shaking and all because somehow unconsciously I wanted to answer a question I kind of didn't want to answer (does that make sense?). So I raised my hand timidly to get attention but no one looked my way, so down my hand went while my heart still went: "BOOMbity BOOMbity BOOM!!" and I told it that "Hey! You can stop now! I tried and no one looked my way! It's not happening! I'm not going to answer, SO CHILL, just CHILL for goodness sake!!" but it totally ignored me, and because I had no way of making myself relax until I just ANSWERED, I did. And thank goodness, I didn't stutter, or twitch. I just said what I had to say and hoped that everyone would look away or start discussing something else as soon as possible. And they did, and my heart stopped being stoopid. So this story does have a happy ending.

But this experience is just SAD. I don't know why I have such a fear of public speaking or speaking to people in general. It terrifies me when I meet someone who is intense and completely at ease with themselves because they expect you to be at ease with yourself too, and that is just too much pressure! And when they're intense they tend to intensely stare at you and all that focused energy on me makes me frazzled and uncomfortable. That's why I HATE when people speak so close to my face... I mean, why do they need to get up so close and personal? WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY PORES?! Ah, I need more defense mechanisms besides trying to sidestep them or moving back or looking down or skirting around a table or something.


Am I pathetic or what?

Just had a moment

I just had a moment where I remembered something embarrassing I had done.

It never ceases to amaze me how stupid I can be.

I want to shoot myself in the head to erase the memory.