Fishes, AGAIN.

I spent a good 3 minute talking to my fish and telling him how I had a dream where I forgot to feed him with a bunch of other fishies in the tank (which I don't have, as they all died off instead of him... The past fishes are a-haunting!) and then they were so starving hungry that they picked and nipped at him till he died and laid in a pool of his own blood. It was very sad.

Anyway, the point is, I spent THREE MINUTES talking to my fish. That is two minutes and fifty seconds MORE than I should be talking to a fish.

This is sadness. THIS IS SPARTA!!!

And in those three minutes I also tested its psychic ability by telling him to swim up or down within a time limit if it could understand me.

 And he did. He really did. I don't even know if I'm even half-serious anymore. What is wrong with me??!

Frankenstein Art

And it scanned!
So as you can see below the art looks like a clashing collage of three different things that don't connect. I kept trying to fix it and was taking a lot of breaks in between, that is why it's so all over the place. I also meant to give it to someone but partway through I realized how emo and creepy it looked. I totally regret adding those hideous creatures. It makes me sad. They're not even an endearing ugly! :(

 

And here I divided it into three sections to show how unfortunately mismatched it is. It also shows how I worked, which is starting from the right to the left. I was trying so hard to fix it that I drew more detailed as I went as you can see from the first tree to the second tree and then the fishies.

And this is the unfortunate mishap that completely ruined my love for it. I couldn't fix it. Tried so hard, but uh uh. :(

 

But this is my favourite part. Because I like fishes, waves and lines. I also like trees. But those creatures completely ruined those trees. Thank goodness for Photoshop though, managed to erase the slug head from my favourite part.

 

And that is what I spent a good big chunk of my day doing yesterday. Instead of focusing on schoolwork. In my defense, it was Family Day in Canada and I had no family to celebrate with. So this was a pretty good alternative. :D

The indecisive me

I flip-flop more than a fish out of water.

I'm constantly changing and my ideas and perceptions of myself are always fluctuating. I have this giant fear that people who first get to know me have this entirely wrong image of who I am. It's only those who are with me almost always who can attempt to pinpoint who I am and what I would do in certain situations.

I feel less real and less true to myself because who I am changes all the time. What I wanted 5 minutes ago is different than right now. What I felt strongly a week ago is different from now. I feel like I'm lying to myself and others. I wish I was more decisive about my feelings but I'm not, and I don't think I'll ever plan to change that.

I've always been someone who wrote in a loophole for myself. Every decision I've made was never with 100% certainty or confidence and every thought I've had no matter how small and sometimes innocuous has been charged or marked with a percentage of how sure I am with that thought. Even when I tell others that I'm 100% sure about something it's always prefixed with an "at least I'm pretty sure" or a "at least I think so maybe". 

Even now I feel as if I'm lying even though what I'm writing right here feels true, but it may not be true tomorrow and I may look back on this blog (like I often do) feeling as if I lied to myself and to others and I will wonder if I'm lying to others as I speak to them because I am only who I am at the moment and no one can account for the me yesterday or the me tomorrow. Not even me, because I can only feel like I'm telling the real truth of my being only while I am right here, right now.

And that is why I always tend to make decisions for myself in regards to thinking of the me yesterday or the me tomorrow. Or at least I try to. It's a hit and miss situation.

Stupid Fish!

I hate my fishies. They piss me off. Greedy aquatic vertebrate!

And my Nemo is dirty, but no one will wash him. :(

I could, but I don't think I love him anymore.

Why?

Blog Craze and fishes

So ever since I got a blog... ah, like three hours ago, I just can't stop jotting down my thoughts. ACK! What am I going to do without internet then?!

Anyhow, I have more goals:

11. Drink more water
12. Draw my fishies
13. Talk to my fishies.

You see, recently, I have been communicating with my fish. I find it very comforting because they seem to have such character. I have five fishies now. 3 goldfishes and 2 sucker fishes. The three goldfishes are named Moses, Noah and Goliath. The huge one is Goliath. He's actually quite genial, although very greedy and hungry. Yet it is Moses who is the leader type, very type A personality. Noah is bland and a follower, but he's got some lovable traits in his indecisive and quiet personality. AHAH. I just called my goldfish quiet.

Out of the two sucker fishes, one is named chu, for the chinese sound suck. Ok, it would be more like chuut. But whatever. The other is unnamed because I can't remember what I named him. He's not very important anyway, because he is very boring. But I think that is why I like him, because he is boring. Boring people are so interesting because they are boring. You rarely meet boring people since everyone has their quirks, that is why boring people are the most interesting people of all.

I mean, what makes them so boring? That is a fascinating question! Their bland, banal personality marks them as almost benign, which I kind of like. Since they are so pleasant-like. Anyhow, haven't really met someone like that, so that is why I like my fish.

I also like my fishes this time because they are so active. Well, the goldfishes are. They're always freaking out when I come near them. I guess I like the idea of having power, so when I scare the fishies I feel especially powerful. Like a strong threatening leader of their Atlantis village. HAhhaa.

I must be secretly power hungry.

Anyway, I wonder if I can teach fishes tricks? Or make them grow larger by talking to them?They must be so bored. I really like watching them, they are so calming and somewhat relatable. Their swimming is so frantic and crazed. Whipping their tails in circles, churning the water with nervous energy. I like that. They're so desperate in their swimming that it makes me think they're so eager in their living despite how small their hovel fish tank is. It gives them a frenzy for life. And sometimes I think they're trying to get out.

Watching them is calming to me because it reminds me that humans aren't the only ones struggling with life, that fishes have their desperate, crazy moments too.

That is why I really like them.

They have guts and spunk!

They're not like the past fishies that were so lifeless and limp. These fishes are fighters. Possessive of food, crazy for attention and so very frenzied.

Urgh. I have so much to type. This blog is extremely cathartic. I love it.
I shall end it here just so I can start a new post later and label it nicely and organize my thoughts better.