So I'm static.

It has been brought to my attention that I severely lack in self-reflection and that sometimes when I talk I feel somewhat illiterate. Because me no English good. Then I feel bad when people ask me what I studied. It's shameful. I'm not eloquent. I'm barely articulate.

How in the world am I supposed to speak to people? Or talk to a classroom of kids? It honestly shames me. I feel like I portray myself as incredibly stupid and shallow and I'm really starting to wonder if I am.

Is my inability to speak really limiting my ability to think? By losing my words and speech, am I oppressing the extent of my mind by making my words smaller and simpler? It really feels like it.

There's also so much I struggle with. I just feel so all around COMPLACENT that it is starting to strangle me. I'm not always the best with metaphors but I can compare it to feeling like I'm in a vast ocean, feeling like my inadequacies are so deep and so dark and so pulling that I can drown any moment. But instead of figuring a way out to get myself out of the ocean or trying to build myself a boat. I just simply doggie paddle around. Just coasting in life. Barely skimming the surface. Completely overwhelmed and just barely breathing above it.

See?? Worst metaphor ever! How did I even pass English? Why am I even teaching English to kids?

Well, let's get this out of the way: I never said I was deep. Not that I'm not trying to get past my shallow shell (and I would love to think that I could be deeper than I am) but oh, what a struggle it is to express what I want to say to people when the words are so murky in my mind, yet, I know they're there if you give me a bit of time. But rarely do I associate eloquence with slowness or pauses even though I know people can be eloquent and a slow speaker.

I don't even know where I'm getting at here.

What I really wanted to do in this blog now is to really blog about things that matter. Things that I really need to dissect and think about. Also to remind myself that I have words. That even though I can't speak, I can still write.

But nowadays, when I'm not with the right people (and most often I'm not) I feel voiceless and speechless. And sometimes when I am talking, it's like I'm saying nothing at all. Pure static and white noise. Nonsense and insignificance.

I'm willing to admit right here that what I'm writing is to prove myself that I am more than what I think I am.

And by gosh, do I now realize how much I do actually have to say when I blog/journal. And thank goodness I never deleted this blog.

So here I am again. Just allowing myself to rant away!

Nervous Energy

I absolutely hate when I have the spotlight. It makes me uneasy and queasy. I realized this in my Contemporary Theory tutorial where we usually discuss the texts we've read that week. Usually I have a friend with me who is extra exuberant and extra out-going that always asks questions in class (usually really random, tangent-off questions that always semi-connect with the topic) while I try to squeeze myself from view or look outside the window trying to dodge the gazes that are headed our way. Anyway, one day she didn't come to class and we were talking about Marx or Adorno or someone and then a question was brought up, a question I could actually answer! However, as soon as that thought popped into my head my heart started speeding up until I was literally jumping with my heartbeat and at that moment all I could think of to myself was: "Stoopid Heart! Why are you beating so hard! Who told you I was even going to SAY the answer out loud!" but all Stoopid Heart replied with was: "BOOMbity BOOMbity BOOM!!!!"

I tried to take deep breaths, I tried to be zen and reason with it but to no avail, I was perspiring and semi-shaking and all because somehow unconsciously I wanted to answer a question I kind of didn't want to answer (does that make sense?). So I raised my hand timidly to get attention but no one looked my way, so down my hand went while my heart still went: "BOOMbity BOOMbity BOOM!!" and I told it that "Hey! You can stop now! I tried and no one looked my way! It's not happening! I'm not going to answer, SO CHILL, just CHILL for goodness sake!!" but it totally ignored me, and because I had no way of making myself relax until I just ANSWERED, I did. And thank goodness, I didn't stutter, or twitch. I just said what I had to say and hoped that everyone would look away or start discussing something else as soon as possible. And they did, and my heart stopped being stoopid. So this story does have a happy ending.

But this experience is just SAD. I don't know why I have such a fear of public speaking or speaking to people in general. It terrifies me when I meet someone who is intense and completely at ease with themselves because they expect you to be at ease with yourself too, and that is just too much pressure! And when they're intense they tend to intensely stare at you and all that focused energy on me makes me frazzled and uncomfortable. That's why I HATE when people speak so close to my face... I mean, why do they need to get up so close and personal? WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY PORES?! Ah, I need more defense mechanisms besides trying to sidestep them or moving back or looking down or skirting around a table or something.


Am I pathetic or what?

Either/or

Been offered an ultimatum from my mother. She's so absurd sometimes that I wonder if I'm just dreaming or stuck in some weird parallel universe where bad drama tropes are used.

She just told my sister that she can't date until I do. Now my sister is both horrified and amused and is now in search of someone for me to the glee of both my parents.

I didn't know my father worried about me too.

Now I'm even more determined to die single just to be rebellious. It's annoying to have potential suitors brought up all the time and asked why I don't socialize or don't act a certain way.

Don't they understand the idea of introverts?

Trapped

LOL,

on some days I'm so grungily dressed (in my pajamas: Extra large sweater with stains and torn sleeves and my multi-coloured bottoms) that I simply can't show myself when other people are over.

This creates the anxiety of having to pee and not being able to go out. It also makes me seem rude, but I'm just hermitting (that's like 75% of my personality).

I swear to you, some days I'm so wrapped up in my self-consciousness that I can make a blanket fort out of it.

OOhh, blanket fort. I like.