Rooted to the ground

Clarity

Two nights ago I had a great talk. It was good for me because I had let my mind go autopilot and stagnant for so long. I feel as if I have a new direction now, or a start of something better.

I've also had more urge to draw now which is also good because I haven't doodled for so long. I'm easily inspired, easily discouraged, easily pleased, easily disappointed... so at least right now I'm in a more positive mode of mind.

Here's hoping for a better year for all in the coming 2011!

Either/or

Been offered an ultimatum from my mother. She's so absurd sometimes that I wonder if I'm just dreaming or stuck in some weird parallel universe where bad drama tropes are used.

She just told my sister that she can't date until I do. Now my sister is both horrified and amused and is now in search of someone for me to the glee of both my parents.

I didn't know my father worried about me too.

Now I'm even more determined to die single just to be rebellious. It's annoying to have potential suitors brought up all the time and asked why I don't socialize or don't act a certain way.

Don't they understand the idea of introverts?

Drawing silly things

If today had a colour it would be purple

New favourite words: adroit and nuanced. I feel acknowledged and pleased with self. But a quiet repressed pleased, too afraid to show it in case the feelings go away or proven wrongly acknowledged.

It's a good day when your efforts and works are acknowledged. Must remember to do that for my future students.

*quietly giggles happily to self*

I solemnly swear I am up to no good

Today is a day for adventure. It feels like it with its edge of excitement and my readiness for mischief and spontaneity. The feeling of nothing-can-go-wrong and I-can-dare-if-I-try. This is a day for bad ideas that can turn right, a day for trying new things because it can only turn out well. It's not a day for doing nothing or sitting around or wondering what to do.

But I think that's going to be what I'm doing anyway. Sad.

My body is tense with anticipation. What a sad waste of energy today is. If potions could be made from attitudes and emotions I would bottle this up for another day when I find a friend to make mischief with. Anyway, I'm sure my-not-doing-anythingness will make me lethargic and lazy soon.

Omg, my TA is awesome! I love my TA!!

Day of celebration I tell you! I just unfortunately have no one to celebrate with. Aaaaack! It's kinda killing me inside. I need to quickly waste energy so I feel as if I did something. Blaaah.

Cat-ish

Gosh, I feel so pleased with myself. I feel like I just ate a canary. You know, like the saying: the cat that ate a canary? Anyway, this one essay mark makes up for my all my past recent failings. I feel reanimated and encouraged! I'm so glad that I can gleefully giggle out loud on the bus. In fact, I'm pretty sure my glee is rolling off me in waves which is appropriate since I'm listening to the Glee soundtrack.

Really hungry right now though. Baah! Nothing can kill this happiness right now. :)

Ugh.

I feel so icky and sickly. I have a cough and stuffed nose, and I'm just feeling plain miserable. It's all the congestion and stuffiness that makes me feel as if I have a storm over my head and a mad scientist conducting a lightning experiment. Meh. Being sick also makes me want to do anything BUT study... which is troublesome since my exam is tomorrow.

I haven't even Christmas shopped yet! Uuugh. I want to crawl into bed and sleep the day away.

Gah!

I'm procrastinating again.  I have an exam coming up, and one that's actually fun to study but... I just. can't. do. it.

Why?

I'm so annoyed at my apathetic behaviour towards school lately. I just can't seem to do anything. It's starting to become painful how I'm wasting my time/my life doing nothing but sleeping or sitting around.

On another note, I want to watch "Flipped" so bad! I read the book back in High School and I loved it. It reminds me of "Stargirl" but I like "Flipped" better. The story is so sweet and innocent. It's just such a feel good book, and I think the movie actually does justice to the book. Anyhow, have to watch it first to pass judgement but... I'm kinda already biased. Oh well.

:)

"Follow me," said the Birdie

And so I did.

NEW GOAL!

I want to learn how to felt. I NEED to learn how to felt. I will do it this Christmas. I WILL!

Then I will make more Owls, and I can make a family for MOSES!! :D

It's a HOOT!

And today I bought an owl keychain to make up for not being able to own an owl as a pet in Canada. This is one thing I can cross off my life goal list now! :)

I own an owl, he lives on my phone, and his name is Moses!

I think he is ADORABLE.

The Day of the Triffids

If plants did end up becoming sentient and murderous like they did in "Triffids".... I am totally going to be the first to die.

I just drowned my plants and its surrounding areas! I really don't know why I can take such a simple task of watering plants and fail so many times.

I'm getting plastic plants in the future. Plastic Cactus plants. Just in case.

Failure in a box.

So my exams killed and ate my brain today.

Exam must've gotten zombified.

Hmmm... I think I'll convert and do some vegetating tomorrow. Yay for zombies?

Feeling kinda Panda-like

OH my brain.

Rhizomes and Deconstruction and Feminism! You make me want to never think again.

I love to learn. I'm just lazy. Is that so bad?

ok...don't answer that.

Have I told you lately that I wanted to be a robot? And that I always wanted a robot servant/slave when I was a child?

Yeaah... back to studying.

Not a Necrophiliac

I crush on dead old men. That is so not normal.

On the other hand, it does make me more interested in what I'm studying. Oh, Foucault, Nietzsche, Napoleon and Beethoven... You complete some weird freaky part of me. I'm sure there's more dead crushes I have floating around but I can't keep track since most of Contemporary Theory and Philosophy consists of brilliant dead men.

Too bad they seem so pessimistic. And dead. But I think they all just need a hug.

On a roll!

I'm intensely pleased with myself over school lately. I mean, I'm not doing stupendously, but I'm doing stable-y good. Like not-bad-at-all-but-not-great-but-awesome-in-terms-of-me good. So that's an upper in life.

Now I just need to figure out how to pick up myself in other parts of my life now.

You kinda disappoint me.

:(

Uneasy

She frightens me because she thinks she's right.

and I'm afraid that she's wrong

and I don't know how to tell her that.

It sometimes makes me sick inside.

What I am

I'm proud of me this week. I'm doing much better in school than I thought.

But on the other hand, I am entirely lacking in other aspects of my life.

I think I worry my mother too much, and my lack of caring about myself makes me worried too.

But working up an effort to care makes me feel aggravated. Why can't I be the me now? It's not the healthiest me, but it's the most comfortable me that I've come to know.

Buy me a forest and a library and I'll love you forever. That's all I need.

but you know, without the bugs... and all. thanks.

Telepathy

I like it when she buys me bubble tea. I feel as if she read my mind. Or that I have the ability to secretly will her to do things.

like the time she bought me snacks even though I didn't ask.

but most especially the bubble tea.

it almost makes up for everything. almost.

Buy me, I'm easily bribed.

Childish

Feeling grumpy and incredibly selfish.

because I can act like I'm five if I want to.

AND I WILL.

>:(

My room is like a batch of sunshine. I love it. :)

Trapped

LOL,

on some days I'm so grungily dressed (in my pajamas: Extra large sweater with stains and torn sleeves and my multi-coloured bottoms) that I simply can't show myself when other people are over.

This creates the anxiety of having to pee and not being able to go out. It also makes me seem rude, but I'm just hermitting (that's like 75% of my personality).

I swear to you, some days I'm so wrapped up in my self-consciousness that I can make a blanket fort out of it.

OOhh, blanket fort. I like.

Another thing that squeaks.

My nails feel squeaky. It's creeping me out. Like nails on a chalkboard. But without the chalkboard, you know?

Same feeling I get from eating squeaking salad.

dislike.

ARRRGH!!!

I want to be able to touch my *toes*!!!!

(at least by the end of the summer). :-/

Drawing

I like to draw Victorian houses pieced together by google and my mind.

I really dislike her sometimes. And I think she's ruining my life.

I'm such a social outcast.

and then...

But I like zebra sharks. If I could have an imaginary pet, it would be a zebra shark. We would live underwater forever until I wake up.

Half-started thoughts are best. It takes no effort at all.

Stupid Fish!

I hate my fishies. They piss me off. Greedy aquatic vertebrate!

And my Nemo is dirty, but no one will wash him. :(

I could, but I don't think I love him anymore.

Why?

Five Again

I want to stay asleep and never wake up. I think this speaks to my inability to have much desire for reality. And I think if I could go through life without thinking, I would.

Can I be five again?

thoughts on one fine Monday evening

I like the sound of the wind in Wendy's room. I like lazing in her bed while she cleans her room. It feels oddly relieving.

p.s. my dad's only vice/sweet tooth are Ice cream and Popsicles. It makes for fun summers.

I feel so naked without earrings.

:o

Third time's the charm

This is my second time watering my plants with hot water.

*Second time*!

They say it's okay to make mistakes as long as you're not repeating them, but I think I'm a bit slow on the uptake.

I was even extra careful to note that I should water my plants with *cold* water, repeating the directions in my head (yes, I need directions on watering plants). Still, I failed.

I actually even noticed while watering one of the plants that the water sprinkler felt a little warm. Being me, I automatically thought that I was:

a) extremely warm-hearted, warm-natured and therefore was lending this magical warm power into the plants

b) that the water jug was magical.

I kid you not. I need to grow up and use my brain.

Never been prouder.

When I was young I would ask my mother with a great deal of skepticism (especially for such a young age) if my father was any good at his job.

I still remember then, that even though I was at the age where I should idolize my parents, I held a lot of doubt on whether or not my father was good at working with fabric, cloth, textiles, etc.,

The problem was that his job wasn't merely dealt with labor or data, but artistry and aesthetics.

Anyhow, my mother answered earnestly (and which she still continues to do with just as much honest earnestness) that not only was my father good at his job, he was the Best!

At that time I just remembered walking away with much dubiousness, in a costume he made for me and my sister.

[Photo aptly captioned as: When I was Young and Knew no Better]

Now, you must realize that my father continued to make clothes for me and my sister (albeit more rarely as time went on... maybe because neither of us appreciated his fashion styles) and out of them all: the bell bottom jeans (that were too 70s for me and my sister to admit), the prom dresses (which were a mix between hit and miss, in my opinion), my grad dress (which I wore backwards, THE SHAME), my sister's clown blouse, and even NADA's design clothing that I watched a fashion show for... my favourite thing he has ever done, has to be the sofa covers he has just made.

I honestly don't know why I am so proud of them. Maybe because they look so normal? Because they fit so well? Because the colours actually kind of MATCH the house (although it was my sister and my mother who picked the cloths)? Anyhow, today was the day I actually told my dad that I was impressed with his skill. He beamed at me proudly.

Then I went to my room and laughed because I can honestly say today that I have never been as attached to sofa covers in my life. Maybe because all the love I wanted to have for everything he has ever (disastrously) created is made up for in these covers.

My dad, you are

Things to do:

I must learn to be more grateful.

...and to eat less junk food.


OH, Shakespeare. You EAT MY SOUL. *cries*

I'm Tired.

But I need to remember to pray.

Questions I wished People would Ask me (Part II)

Who is your favourite tragic couple? (Fiction or Non-fiction)

Without a doubt, Heloise and Abelard. Both were intelligent, articulate real people who went through a forbidden tryst which ended tragically. But there is no sweeter couple than these two, just because their end is so heartbreaking.

...I don't know why, but their tragedy speaks to me (even if it can be almost comical in a sense) while other tragic love stories just seem lame and overly passionate like Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Sir Lancelot and Guinevere.

Anyway, I just remembered this question when watching a clip of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" where I found out the title of this film was taken from a poem dedicated to the couple Heloise and Abelard.

While leaning over the sink with the tap running, I realized that tap water smells a whole lot like Niagara Falls.

This feels like a lot bigger discovery than it should be.

In other news, CANADA VERSUS USA TOMORROW.

I don't even *like* sports...

Wow, doing something not Olympic related is like being a fish and jumping out of the water. Yeah, I get that small dose of air but I'm quickly engulfed by the OLYMPIC POOL.

Sorry, I'll be the first to admit that I make zero sense, only because my brain has been scrambled by Olympics. It's pretty much what I do *every single day*... is it bad that I don't regret it? Even when I'm watching Curling??

I forget the days of the week now and just pretty much go by the Olympic days. I also get angry when I have to go outside because I know I'll be missing Olympic coverage. I had to pry myself from the television this morning just so I can do a quick update on my blog (so that I'll be doing something NON-Olympic related... but that's failing me as I'm STILL talking about Olympics).

Anyway, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CANADA!!!!!

I've been doing my devos, very excited about that. :)

But I also have a massive amount of work calling for my attention.

:( BLEEEEECH.

What if ??!

So I woke up this morning, picked up my book from last night (that I was furiously reading) and finished it off. And I loved it. I may not love it ten years from now, or love it as much, but right now I really love it.

Then I was struck with a horrid thought, what if my favourite author died? Then what would I read??!

SO I went to google, looked her up, and found out that she was 57 years old.

All I could think was, how many books can she still churn out before she kicks the bucket? (yeah, not very tactful and pretty selfish of me, but that really was the first thought I had).

Anyway, I found her blog and she seems to be really alive... and funny. HAhah.

Robin Mckinley, please don't die until you're really really really old. And continue writing forever if you can!

Guess what I found??

So cleaning my computer after its nasty virus attack, I found this essay I've written for Grade 12 English.

Rereading it allowed me to realize that it seemed like past-18-year-old me was talking about the book Twilight and the author. And then I loled.

"Really, Clichéd Plots are good for you!

It was getting late. I was yet again unprepared for the due dates of tomorrow. As the unrelenting deadline approached I soon saw myself slapped in the face by reality. I needed inspiration, originality, pure unadulterated imagination to run through my mind. Unfortunately, I found myself in front of a blank wall, beating my head solidly against it. With no other alternatives I reached for the ever saving grace of clichéd plots. Yes, clichéd plots; the horror of authors and writers everywhere. However, I found myself slowly dribbling towards it, fingers stretching out to type the oh-so-dreaded plot. Something my good friend likes to term purple and it was a nasty shade of purple indeed.

It was the type of purple that blazes through the screen like Willy Wonka’s suit. The purple that is flowery, ornate and over-embellished. And I had finally resorted to it. So on my screen the words came tapping along, black spots on blank paper--plot holes and predictable storylines came marching through, followed by inevitable stereotypical characters.

I tried to convince myself that clichés were not so bad, that purple was poetic, stereotypical characters familiar and predictable plots saviours from horrid suspense. After all, what greater writer could there be than one that convinces the reader of their skill in deciphering what would happen in the end simply by reading the first 250 words? So thoroughly satisfied by my reasoning I began to type more confidently of a true romance, (for every epic tale consists of true love, no doubt!) over-dramatic action (what good is a story without the excess violence and gore?), and theatrically worded dialogue (cheesy lines are, of course, endearing). I felt myself pleased with my description of “silky, flowing, golden hair” from the heroine and the “toned, bronzed, golden chest” of my hero, in fact I decided more adjectives would spice it up even more! It was then and there that I realized that clichés were fine creations indeed, that the geniuses that created these formulaic stories should be honoured, in fact congratulated on their lack of invention, of sad unoriginality and overused phrases.

After all great success have come to those who’ve followed the pattern of the clichéd plot, take for example Disney [Ed: or Twilight] the leading founder of overwritten wonders. Romance blossoms through generic stories of Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty; holding in common not only in genre but in the hero as well--Prince Charming. It is moments like these that you wonder how brilliant these fairytales authors are to use the same character twice, no wait, thrice! So, Aha! Now we know every familiar characteristic of him and how and where it’s going to end--in the heroine’s arms of course.

It’s comforting to find that Generic plotlines have now made a niche in our lives and local libraries as we succumb to them acceptingly. Nowadays it seems rather passé to read substance novels, and imagination just seems to be the thing of the past. Today the generation falls toward the thoughtless, brainless, mind numbing sweetness of writing and reading clichés. Plots with spontaneity and twists are just overstated after all. Therefore, dear readers, take care to allow your mind to rest as you work on another storyline, make sure the sentences are weak and overused, that the plot is conventional and banal, and your characters flat and boring. This way you can be sure that your story will be well received in its familiar and slightly unsettling recognizable plot. Just be sure to ignore those who label you a corny, overdone, purple plagiarist."

I fixed my computer. Life is good again.

I also have a Ghibli studio CD. Life is *really* good.

Can you tell I'm really pleased today?

Bah! Humbug!

So, I've got a nasty stupid antivirus ad pop up that's killing my computer.

This makes me ever so much more grateful for the purchase of this netbook.

:)

Here are some...

...doodles for Peggy's wedding invitation.

Very messy looking and way too elaborate and complex. It annoys me.

WHAAA---??

How can I be on task and up to speed on one day, and the next be totally behind?? WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

I wish something elaborate and fun will happen soon.

Or an epiphany will arrive.

Or I learn to time travel, or obtain a time-turner.

I also think that if my sister could, she would kill me and find another me from an alternate dimension that was younger and cuter.

And I think I would let her. HAHHAA.

Ack!

Yikes. I feel so overloaded and I have no idea why. I keep forgetting to do things and even though I don't seem to be spending my time freely or badly (or too badly) I just can't seem to get much done.

I smell failure here.

What I said, What I say now:

I know I said before that I disliked Romeo and Juliet strongly, almost in the same way I dislike chick flicks at times, but overall I am still a very sappy person.

So that one line in Romeo and Juliet always gets me...

Just like that soulful look the male protagonist sends that female heroine in Romantic Comedies...

Or that heart wrenching moment where the heroine thinks the one she loves doesn't care for her. Oh, those Sweet! Pangs! Pulling at our heartstrings!

So that one line Romeo sends out to the fates always makes me feel all quivery and sweet:

"Then I defy you, stars."

(!!!)

I love how Romeo says this in the face of reality, where he realizes that He and Juliet are star-crossed lovers who are pitted against odds, fate and destiny--yet he defies all these forces for her! Too sweet! So sweet that I can almost forgive them for their stupidity, almost.

2 things

So....

I'm pretty sure I'm not going to HK this summer anymore.

Huge disappointment, and I was a little angry over it, but then again, I always am when life circumstances disappoint me or deter me from my goal.

Anyway, it's okay since I can earn more money (or that's what I've been telling myself).

I also have this ideal in my head which I won't settle for anything but that. So I'll just wait, and keep patience.

Anyhow... I'm excited! I was pretty down when I got home but when I got a photo of the Cyber Yearbook I was superbly pleased!

Thanks guys, it looks awesome!!

Tree of Potentiality

Today is the day of my growth.

Thoughts on a bus.

I count silly things with a conviction that is needless.

I create Haikus on the bus with unknowing brevity.

I watch people with a self-consciousness that is astonishing.

Sometimes I get so tense I feel as if I might just break apart.

These thoughts on the bus come suddenly, so I memorize them as if they have an importance I may realize later. Like dreams from my sleep.

What I've realized:

Today I realized that I want to be someone worth loving.

Which then made me realize that I have a lot to work on.

I've also realized what I want to do for my first two paychecks from my first actual teaching job:

1. The first paycheck will go to a family dinner with Aunty Annie and Aunty May's families.

2. The second paycheck will go to a diamond ring for my mother. I've actually originally wanted to buy my own first diamond ring with my second paycheck but realized that my mom really likes diamonds and really wants a ring from me. She always reminds me that if she dies I'll get all the jewelry I bought her back (which is supposed to be good incentive for buying her jewelry) but that's not the reason why I'm getting her a ring. I actually really like the idea of inheriting something I bought for her. It's like passing love. Or love in a tangible form.

Which brings me to my next realization: I don't want an engagement ring from my future husband. I want an engagement present that can be used for us both. Not something frivolous like a ring (no matter how much I want one), but something that will really be worthwhile for the future. Like a down payment for our first apartment or house. Something that's useful.

I also want simple wedding bands. They're supposed to symbolize unity and love, not to be extravagant or excessive declarations of love. I want them simple, so we can use our money for greater needs. I think that's more worth it.

Anyway, just things I realized while having good conversations.

I just know

Sometimes I know I have a really good conversation going on when my brain hurts.

Not from thinking, no, far be it.

It's from too much talking, and not enough oxygen.

HAHAhah.

Sometimes I wonder if I bore people because I enjoy flapping my mouth so much.

It's Complicated

So today with almost nothing to do, me and my sister decided to do our hair. We dressed up in our new clothes and did our make-up nicely. However, we had no where to go.

I was suddenly sad because I spent all that time, money and effort in my looks. literally, money. Money on my face. Make-up money. Sometimes being a girl takes too much work.

So I was pretty adamant that we go out today, even just for a movie. My sister thought it was lame for her to go out with just me, but I have no shame. And I love movies.

We decided to watch "It's Complicated". Not really my first choice but I've watched everything else that I wanted, it was also a way to tempt and pacify my sister into going out with me since she seemed semi-reluctant.

So what a pleasant surprise to discover what a great movie it was!

I loved the character developments, the family dynamics and the way relationships were examined. The settings were so lovely too! Meryl Streep is also so adorable and lovable in the movie. Her laugh is so genuine and nice. I really wanted to hug her. Hehe.

What a great cast also. This movie was such a heartwarming one. And so funny! I haven't laughed or gasped out loud this way in so long.

The comic situations were set up in a way that audiences expected it, but that definitely didn't take away from the enjoyment of it, in fact it heightened the hilarity of the moment. Oh goodness, what a great movie.

It really leaves me with a really nice feeling after leaving the movie theatre. In fact I really enjoyed all the movies I watched this month. So I'm really happy and satisfied. :)