It's been a while.

So I haven't really been blogging a lot lately (understatement) and have only just decided to maybe pick it back up again because I've been checking up on other people's blogs, which reminded me that I had my own blog! I am terrible at journalling (laziness and my love for tangents and parentheses) but I do see the purpose for them since I did really enjoying rereading my old blog posts. Also, it's fun to write again, or well, not fun but helpful.

So lately I've been feeling really blessed, not to say my life is particularly great (definitely not by the world's standard), but that I'm really able to appreciate this stage in my life that God has put me in. I am so easily able to recognize all the blessings God has currently given me, however, at the same time I have this slight fear that he will take these blessings away from me. I mean, God completely has the right to but this just makes me have this slight apprehensive feeling in the small back corner of my thoughts poking away at my brain and heart. It's terrible to be already worrisome of the future ahead just because I can see the blessings now. I don't know if that means I have the wrong mindset (probably) as it makes it seem like God is a whimsical God who just takes and gives for no reason. Anyway, that's just what has been going through my brain lately and which has reflected in my prayers as well as I always pray for future Irene, that if she ever loses the blessings she has now she will not be super ungracious to God. I'll like to think future Irene is strong and grounded in truth but my fear is that my faith sits on a lot more shallow soil than I would like. We shall see as I continue to weather through life. However, at least for now, I can continue to count my blessings and try to do so with less worry.

I have a lot of metaphors about water.

Why?

So I'm woefully unprepared in life

I did it again. I'm really not even trying. Instead of preparing for the Easter activity tonight I went out for Dim Sum this morning with friends (which is alright because it's just morning) but then later in the afternoon I watched a movie (!!!) instead of working on tonight's lesson.

The movie was good though.

But still. I wasn't really a steward of my time. I need to really watch what I'm doing. Now I feel like I completely missed the opportunity to share Easter with these two new girls who came. I think the idea and activities were awesome but I'm really just not good with time. I let it completely slip and swim around me and I really need to learn to be more accountable for what I spend my time doing.

My Brain that works sadly on tangents

I'm so complacent most days that it almost feels good to be angry.

I know I just wrote that statement but I'm not even sure if it's completely true. I want to believe it is but if I were to properly dissect it... am I really complacent? does it really feel good to be angry? Maybe not the anger part. Maybe it just feels good to care enough about something that I got angry about it. Because I guess I haven't cared enough for most things in a while.

It could also mean that I'm too afraid to care about some stuff to actually have it drive me, rile me up, take action. So the answer is d) all of the above. I want to say I'm too afraid to try for things and that explains my inaction. But I don't believe it's really fear. I guess I just don't want to waste effort in things that might not give me a result. I just don't want to expend time on something that may lead me to nothing.

Which is obviously a really stupid way to think. I admit it. I'm not the brightest. And yes, I am extremely self-deprecating. It's obviously a defense mechanism. If I don't like myself this much, it's almost like it helps me care less that people may not like me. Which really doesn't work at all.

Oh man, I'm like a black hole of issues. Which is a paradox. I don't think black holes hold things. Don't take my word on it though. I've realized recently that I am completely uneducated about certain things. I know squat about black holes. Except that it's in space and that it sucks. Literally.

So I'm trying to work on my spirituality. (Yes, this is a tangent, you'll have to work with me here... tangents and off topics and meanderings and wanderings are bound to happen in this blog now that I plan to journal...) And so that means my new goal is to blog about my feelings and thoughts about my day but try to bring it all back to God so I'm reminded of what my faith is and what my purpose is. I'm really not one to talk about spirituality or my beliefs. I prefer it to lie quietly at the back of my mind until it's prodded in church by questions that I don't have answers to but I should (because I've pretty much been in church all my life). So now it comes to a point in my life where I really have to think and look at my faith and just admit to myself why I really believe. And is it really real to me. I really really want to yes that it is... but it's been a while and I honestly can't say I have a real connection with God. Do I want one? Oh yes! But do I try to attempt to get to know? The answer is a sadly, a pretty resounding no. It comes back to my inaction and complacency. It's frustrating.

I really drive myself crazy sometimes.

So I'm static.

It has been brought to my attention that I severely lack in self-reflection and that sometimes when I talk I feel somewhat illiterate. Because me no English good. Then I feel bad when people ask me what I studied. It's shameful. I'm not eloquent. I'm barely articulate.

How in the world am I supposed to speak to people? Or talk to a classroom of kids? It honestly shames me. I feel like I portray myself as incredibly stupid and shallow and I'm really starting to wonder if I am.

Is my inability to speak really limiting my ability to think? By losing my words and speech, am I oppressing the extent of my mind by making my words smaller and simpler? It really feels like it.

There's also so much I struggle with. I just feel so all around COMPLACENT that it is starting to strangle me. I'm not always the best with metaphors but I can compare it to feeling like I'm in a vast ocean, feeling like my inadequacies are so deep and so dark and so pulling that I can drown any moment. But instead of figuring a way out to get myself out of the ocean or trying to build myself a boat. I just simply doggie paddle around. Just coasting in life. Barely skimming the surface. Completely overwhelmed and just barely breathing above it.

See?? Worst metaphor ever! How did I even pass English? Why am I even teaching English to kids?

Well, let's get this out of the way: I never said I was deep. Not that I'm not trying to get past my shallow shell (and I would love to think that I could be deeper than I am) but oh, what a struggle it is to express what I want to say to people when the words are so murky in my mind, yet, I know they're there if you give me a bit of time. But rarely do I associate eloquence with slowness or pauses even though I know people can be eloquent and a slow speaker.

I don't even know where I'm getting at here.

What I really wanted to do in this blog now is to really blog about things that matter. Things that I really need to dissect and think about. Also to remind myself that I have words. That even though I can't speak, I can still write.

But nowadays, when I'm not with the right people (and most often I'm not) I feel voiceless and speechless. And sometimes when I am talking, it's like I'm saying nothing at all. Pure static and white noise. Nonsense and insignificance.

I'm willing to admit right here that what I'm writing is to prove myself that I am more than what I think I am.

And by gosh, do I now realize how much I do actually have to say when I blog/journal. And thank goodness I never deleted this blog.

So here I am again. Just allowing myself to rant away!

I think I'm going to start tumbling. Is that the word for when you use tumblr? Tumbling? I don't really know. I'll still blab here but... Tumblr is where I going to try to put up as many doodles as I can.

http://reenspergason.tumblr.com/

I don't really understand tumblr though. :-/

Today I realized I'm getting old and I still act like I'm 12. Time to implement some change in my life!