So I'm static.

It has been brought to my attention that I severely lack in self-reflection and that sometimes when I talk I feel somewhat illiterate. Because me no English good. Then I feel bad when people ask me what I studied. It's shameful. I'm not eloquent. I'm barely articulate.

How in the world am I supposed to speak to people? Or talk to a classroom of kids? It honestly shames me. I feel like I portray myself as incredibly stupid and shallow and I'm really starting to wonder if I am.

Is my inability to speak really limiting my ability to think? By losing my words and speech, am I oppressing the extent of my mind by making my words smaller and simpler? It really feels like it.

There's also so much I struggle with. I just feel so all around COMPLACENT that it is starting to strangle me. I'm not always the best with metaphors but I can compare it to feeling like I'm in a vast ocean, feeling like my inadequacies are so deep and so dark and so pulling that I can drown any moment. But instead of figuring a way out to get myself out of the ocean or trying to build myself a boat. I just simply doggie paddle around. Just coasting in life. Barely skimming the surface. Completely overwhelmed and just barely breathing above it.

See?? Worst metaphor ever! How did I even pass English? Why am I even teaching English to kids?

Well, let's get this out of the way: I never said I was deep. Not that I'm not trying to get past my shallow shell (and I would love to think that I could be deeper than I am) but oh, what a struggle it is to express what I want to say to people when the words are so murky in my mind, yet, I know they're there if you give me a bit of time. But rarely do I associate eloquence with slowness or pauses even though I know people can be eloquent and a slow speaker.

I don't even know where I'm getting at here.

What I really wanted to do in this blog now is to really blog about things that matter. Things that I really need to dissect and think about. Also to remind myself that I have words. That even though I can't speak, I can still write.

But nowadays, when I'm not with the right people (and most often I'm not) I feel voiceless and speechless. And sometimes when I am talking, it's like I'm saying nothing at all. Pure static and white noise. Nonsense and insignificance.

I'm willing to admit right here that what I'm writing is to prove myself that I am more than what I think I am.

And by gosh, do I now realize how much I do actually have to say when I blog/journal. And thank goodness I never deleted this blog.

So here I am again. Just allowing myself to rant away!

Growth

I am a Palindrome.

the big 22


cheers!

Clarity

Two nights ago I had a great talk. It was good for me because I had let my mind go autopilot and stagnant for so long. I feel as if I have a new direction now, or a start of something better.

I've also had more urge to draw now which is also good because I haven't doodled for so long. I'm easily inspired, easily discouraged, easily pleased, easily disappointed... so at least right now I'm in a more positive mode of mind.

Here's hoping for a better year for all in the coming 2011!

Tree of Potentiality

Today is the day of my growth.