I feel really worried today. I don't know where to write it, I don't like to think it, so I'm determined to post this. Just to let it all out, you know?
I'm really worried. Even though today I've been at home all day, I feel as if I've been on a emotional rollercoaster. I've been apprehensive, anxious, nervous, distracted and worried the whole day. Well, it's been suppressed with my avoidance and my dallying with art and the computer but the emotions were still sitting there. Maybe quiet, somewhat dormant, but waiting. It's made everything I've done today tinted with an edge and a quivery-ness which makes me extra careful and slightly hesitant. It's been a weird day.
It all started with the bail.
After Wendy and mom left to figure things out. I've come to realize some things about myself that I haven't known. Like how cold I can be. How dismissive in my avoidance. How much an indifferent person I am. How I much rather be a bystander than an active participant in anything, including life.
I've known it before. Somewhat self-consciously, sub-consciously but never quite taken notice of it. But today I've realized that this is one part of me that is not likely to change. I don't like being a "doer" and I don't like being anything that involves too much strong emotion. I like to live my life placidly, blandly. It means that everything is okay, nothing is unruffled. Life for me doesn't have to be exciting.
And all right, if we're being totally honest here, I don't find the need to have too much excitement in my life most of the time, because I'm one of the fortunate ones who have lucid dreams. Therefore all my excitement can live in my dreams, thank you very much. Adventures, magic and fantasy are available in the safety of my sleep.
Anyhow. Today has been a weird day. It's also made me realize what I need to change about myself. So it's good that I'm starting this blog to list all my shortcomings, all my secrets, all the things I'm so frustrated about but too lazy to write. Posting all this up is helpful I think, because it allows me to feel as if I'm communing with all the other blogs or thoughts floating around here. It makes it less alone than on a piece of paper hidden somewhere in pages of a notebook that I don't really remember to use.
And like I mentioned before, I miss blogging. I miss writing too. Not essays, but real thoughts, and sorting them out. Recently, I've also noticed how I like to leave my thoughts unopened or reflected. This is a huge problem. I've realized how awful I am at confronting anything, even my own thinking, when things just seem to get too complicated in my head, I just leave it. It's so frustrating! Therefore, I am going to aim in being Wordsworthian and allowing my memories and thoughts recollect in tranquility, thus letting me to truly sort things out in my head.
So, that's it. Today is the day where I will try to change and be better. To not let my thoughts sit but to stir them out, straighten them, mark it, and note it so it's in concrete form (or as concrete as a blog post can be).
So The End, Mess-in-my-Head!
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