Yesterday

So Yesterday after the bail, my mother and father went out to have lunch with that man. He was apparently very visibly shaken and trembling all over. They were there to offer moral support.

I have to be very honest here, although I was curious about the incident, I am very glad I never got to see the events itself as the more distance I have with the occurrence, the more I can feel less. I'm always slightly uncomfortable when confronted with this topic. I want to know but knowing doesn't help anything. Therefore the less I know the less of an issue it becomes.

I hate this feeling of helplessness. I wish I could be of use, but I know I can't do much at all.

So after my parents came back from dinner with him, my dad came into my room. I couldn't help but ask how the man was doing. My dad was silent for a while, and sighed a bit, probably not knowing how to respond. We both already knew the answer was "not too well," but it was the only way I could express my concern.

Suddenly my dad hugged me tightly and kissed me on top of my head. His worry about his friend's situation but also his grateful relief that this did not happen in his life was very tangible in his hug. I felt a little uncomfortable feeling that kind of intense expression from my father. Yet I was also glad that I was there for him to feel relieved about. He was probably thinking about the man's daughters and how the man might never see them again. It made me a little sad.

Therefore I shrinked away from the hug because I was so uneasy that I was so close to that situation, that it could affect my parents and my life this way.

So I will repeat my one wish here again, however selfish this wish may be: If I could have anything in the world, it would be the ability to help and see everyone in my vicinity happy, whether directly or indirectly. I wish that I would be able to turn on the television and see only happy news. That everyone I affect can be happy, that I would have the ability to help everyone around me.

It's a selfish wish because I don't hope for everyone's happiness. I don't try to because I know it's not possible, so I only wish for the happiness of everyone I see, that everything that I ever encounter is only filled with happiness.

This is ignorance in rose-coloured glasses, but imagining it makes me feel relieved and released.

Sometimes I am so selfish.