Thursday, December 31, 2009

More goals

So here are more goals to add to my 101 list that I must complete by the end of 2010.

14. Make a sock puppet
15. Read the news more
16. Watch the news more
17. Become more aware of current issues
18. Implicate social justice
19. Learn better vocabulary
20. Name my three cacti
21. Draw on a rock
22. Return Sarah's DavenBuster's gifts to her
23. Be a better friend
24. Meet more people
25. Be more confrontational
26. Listen more
27. Love better
28. Be more grateful.
29. Be more thoughtful and reflective
30. Read more books on theology and spirituality
31. Read the Bible (this goal will later be changed to add subgoals including chapters of the Bible and deadlines)
32. Understand my parents better
33. Be more honest
34. Give without expecting to receive
35. Try to finish things
36. Get my Machiavelli book back from David
37. Get my Ender's Game book back from the kid
38. Watch more historical movies
39. Read a famous person's bibliography (like Genghis Khan!)
40. Earn enough money to cover my trip to HK and to tide over so I can cover any other fees in regards to the trip.
41. Go somewhere out of Canada. (yeah, this goal is weak, but whatever)
42. Exercise more
43. Learn Mandarin
44. Judge less
45. Drink more water
46. Watch the shark documentary. Or watch more documentaries in general.
47. Buy a pretty thermos
48. Finish Ryan's Munny
49. Be more punctual to church

I can't stop blogging. I guess it means I have no one to talk to.

I need more friends.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Questions I've always wished someone would ask me:

There are a whole barrage of questions I wish someone would ask me.

Here are some:

"If you could be any creature in the world, what would it be?"
-I would be a great blue whale, because they are graceful and peaceful despite their size. Also, no predator can attack me because I would be huge.

"If you could be any predator in the world, what would it be?"
-I would be the great white shark because I admire their vicious, solitary nature. They seem to have a very single-minded behaviour, therefore their voracious mannerisms seems all the more determined and extreme.

I don't know too much about them, but I like the idea I have of them.

"If you could live in any mythical world, where would you live?"
-If by mythical as in legends, I would live in the world of Atlantis underwater. However, if it was a fictional world I would probably live in the world of Damar in the book "The Blue Sword".

"What is your favourite book that you wish you were the only person to love it?"
-The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley

"What are your favourite authors that you cherish the most?"
- Roald Dahl, L.M. Montgomery, Robin McKinley are three. Probably more, but I love these two for creating worlds that I want to live in.

"What type of books do you enjoy reading or are drawn to?"
-Good science fiction and fantasy. I also love reading warped fairy tales. I think those are my favourites.

Just had a moment

I just had a moment where I remembered something embarrassing I had done.

It never ceases to amaze me how stupid I can be.

I want to shoot myself in the head to erase the memory.


It's true. Girls are silly and awful sometimes. But then, so are pandas.

Salad Leaves

I hate the sound salad makes when the dry, clean leaves squeak against the bowl.

It's like nails on a chalkboard.

If you don't get what I mean, eat a salad.

Ways I will probably die:

More in a whimsical mood than morbid.

Here are some ways I think I would die:

6. Disease, specifically Tetanus or HIV: being very clumsy I manage to prick myself on unsanitary things a lot. I also sometimes work as a scrubber at my Dental job cleaning instruments. One day I may just happen to prick myself on an instrument that was used to clean the teeth of an HIV+ patient. I will then contract the disease and die from it. I will not want to see my family because I will feel very contagious. I will probably die feeling very alone and bitter.

5. Drowning: allured by friends who like swimming, I will follow them into a lake. Being quite inactive and disliking swimming, I will soon be separated from them. Floundering in a reclusive area I will slip on a mossy rock and hit my head on the rocky underwater bed. There I will drown to my death and be found the day after where my corpse will be bloated and nibbled on by fish.

4. Murdered and Raped: being quite unnoticeable in crowds, I will be an easy target for any sexual predator. I would be on a subway going home one day on a late night. I would have tried to dress in my best clothes to see my friends, but I would still be average-looking with my plain face. This will attract the killer who is looking for an easy victim. I am petite and weak. I will be accosted in a dark space where struggles and screams are unheard. I will be assaulted and murdered. The police will never find my body.

3. Falling down the stairs: I will be old by this time. Fragile and frail, just coming home from the hospital for an innocuous hip replacement or from a previous injury I encountered in my clumsy state. Waking up in the morning I will head down to the kitchen to prepare breakfast, my foot will slip and I will tumble down the stairs to my death. I will then be discovered by whoever is living with me at that time. It would be an instant death.

2. Cancer: My family has a a history of cancer. During middle-age I would probably discover mine. I will go through all the treatments, but to no avail. I will die a pro-longed and painful death. But I'll probably be happy to be with my family during my dying stages.

1. Car accident: I am extremely clumsy and have no sense of direction. I will most likely be hit by a car. I also have awful space gage and a bad sense of reflex. Either one of these flaws will lead to my death.

Oh yay.

I guess I am in a morbid mood after all.

Time to think of a happy post!

itsy bitsy spider...

Today I stepped on a spider.

Or I think I did.

Anyhow, I looked down to discover this tangle of light yellow string, that on closer inspection allowed me to realize it was a bug!

I stared at it for five seconds. It was a very alarming experience. Then I gargled a yell. You know, one of those yells where they stick to your throat because you so abruptly made a noise that your body wasn't ready for it. Not a pleasant sound.

However, in the midst of my shock and disgust I actually did want to pick it up with tape and stick it in my sketchbook, but that was after my father threw it in the toilet.

Yeah, I don't know what's with my obsession with bugs in my sketchbook either.

They do look very fragile and delicate though, I guess I just want to capture that aspect of them. Their spinal, stringy frame that creates such distaste and fear in me.

Yesterday

So Yesterday after the bail, my mother and father went out to have lunch with that man. He was apparently very visibly shaken and trembling all over. They were there to offer moral support.

I have to be very honest here, although I was curious about the incident, I am very glad I never got to see the events itself as the more distance I have with the occurrence, the more I can feel less. I'm always slightly uncomfortable when confronted with this topic. I want to know but knowing doesn't help anything. Therefore the less I know the less of an issue it becomes.

I hate this feeling of helplessness. I wish I could be of use, but I know I can't do much at all.

So after my parents came back from dinner with him, my dad came into my room. I couldn't help but ask how the man was doing. My dad was silent for a while, and sighed a bit, probably not knowing how to respond. We both already knew the answer was "not too well," but it was the only way I could express my concern.

Suddenly my dad hugged me tightly and kissed me on top of my head. His worry about his friend's situation but also his grateful relief that this did not happen in his life was very tangible in his hug. I felt a little uncomfortable feeling that kind of intense expression from my father. Yet I was also glad that I was there for him to feel relieved about. He was probably thinking about the man's daughters and how the man might never see them again. It made me a little sad.

Therefore I shrinked away from the hug because I was so uneasy that I was so close to that situation, that it could affect my parents and my life this way.

So I will repeat my one wish here again, however selfish this wish may be: If I could have anything in the world, it would be the ability to help and see everyone in my vicinity happy, whether directly or indirectly. I wish that I would be able to turn on the television and see only happy news. That everyone I affect can be happy, that I would have the ability to help everyone around me.

It's a selfish wish because I don't hope for everyone's happiness. I don't try to because I know it's not possible, so I only wish for the happiness of everyone I see, that everything that I ever encounter is only filled with happiness.

This is ignorance in rose-coloured glasses, but imagining it makes me feel relieved and released.

Sometimes I am so selfish.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Happy Life Book

A few days ago I found out an uncle of mine had written a book. I was interested when my mother told me, but that interest quickly waned away with the busyness of Holiday and such.

Today she mentioned it again and showed me their URL. Becoming curious again, I decided to look it up.

I was actually very glad I did, and reading about his reasons on writing his book, I was even more fascinated and cannot wait to read more. I have never known anyone who has written a book, although I do know some that are aspiring writers, so I'm honestly very excited to get the book and read it.

It was such a pleasant surprise to read some sample stories from his book. Basically his book talks about his own philosophy in living a happy life. He has a word for each letter of the words "Happy Life" that he abides to. Reading it made me feel very inspired and I was also very touched on how he motivated the students that he spoke to. I have a newfound respect for him.

It also reminded me on how I love meeting brilliant people. By Brilliant I mean people who have that *spark* in them. I can't quite explain it, but I find myself very drawn to them but also very intimidated. They have such a zest for life that I admire and traits that I really wish to emulate. This uncle is one of them.

I can't believe that he started his business at the age of 17! His determination really moved me. When he found out that his father's restaurant was going to foreclose, he was determined to salvage it and told the bank president that he could do so if he had a loan. The president then asked him how he thought he could do better than his dad and his dad's partner in keeping the business and this is how he responds:

"There are three reasons,” I stated. “One, I have already worked in the restaurant at various positions, including manager, dishwasher, cook, cashier, and as a server. I understand the business. Two, my father and his partner have families to take care of. They needed their salaries to pay their bills and support their families. I’m single, and have no additional expenses. I can work fifteen hours a day, seven days a week during the summer for one dollar per hour. I can eat free at the restaurant. That will ensure that I can pay the loan on time and in full when it is due.”

He looked suspiciously at me and asked, “What is the third reason?”

I scratched my head and looked at him, “I don’t have any more reasons.” We were both silent for a while. Then I finally said, “It is because you trust me.” He smiled and asked us to come back the next day to sign papers. I became a business owner two months before my eighteenth birthday. Four years later I found out that my promissory note was void because I had signed it as a minor. Mr. Robinson knew this, but still allowed me to take the loan.

Though I found myself cornered and out of options, I remained hopeful. Outlining a plan to pay back the loan, I shared a vision with Mr. Robinson.

By having patience and a positive attitude, I was able to position myself to be at the right place, the right time and was capable of making the right decision: the restaurant would continue to be in business. Yes, I could do it."

So this was a very inspiring moment for me. I really wish I could have his determination and his ambition or passion.

I admit. I am jealous. And very humbled.

Here is the URL: http://happylifebook.com/

Two smells

There are two smells that I do not like. (there are probably more than two, but I will only focus on this duo right now).

I do not like heavy cigarette smoke nor do I like the smell of newspaper.

I have a feeling that the combination of both will be deadly for me.

However, I like the sound and idea of the duo together. Doesn't heavy smoke and newspaper sound alluring? Almost mysterious? Smoke misting over a dark lit room where only a lamp shines on a man reading a newspaper. Very Sherlock Holmes-ish.

Also very masculine.

Yet, I really don't like the smell. I just like the idea of them. And I kind of like feeling two things about this combination. In reality, the smell of smoke is so poisonous and toxic. And Newspaper just smells inky and musty with a dirty, grungy undertone.

But in my imagination, they are magical. The smell of cigarette becomes sweet, like a heavy, spicy, ginger scent. And the smell of newspaper is obscured by the idea of someone sitting in an leather arm chair reading in the library where the hint of sweet cigarette is mixed with the smell of leather books and dusty paper.

MMmmm... the imagination is delicious.

Blog Craze and fishes


So ever since I got a blog... ah, like three hours ago, I just can't stop jotting down my thoughts. ACK! What am I going to do without internet then?!

Anyhow, I have more goals:

11. Drink more water
12. Draw my fishies
13. Talk to my fishies.



You see, recently, I have been communicating with my fish. I find it very comforting because they seem to have such character. I have five fishies now. 3 goldfishes and 2 sucker fishes. The three goldfishes are named Moses, Noah and Goliath. The huge one is Goliath. He's actually quite genial, although very greedy and hungry. Yet it is Moses who is the leader type, very type A personality. Noah is bland and a follower, but he's got some lovable traits in his indecisive and quiet personality. AHAH. I just called my goldfish quiet.

Out of the two sucker fishes, one is named chu, for the chinese sound suck. Ok, it would be more like chuut. But whatever. The other is unnamed because I can't remember what I named him. He's not very important anyway, because he is very boring. But I think that is why I like him, because he is boring. Boring people are so interesting because they are boring. You rarely meet boring people since everyone has their quirks, that is why boring people are the most interesting people of all.

I mean, what makes them so boring? That is a fascinating question! Their bland, banal personality marks them as almost benign, which I kind of like. Since they are so pleasant-like. Anyhow, haven't really met someone like that, so that is why I like my fish.

I also like my fishes this time because they are so active. Well, the goldfishes are. They're always freaking out when I come near them. I guess I like the idea of having power, so when I scare the fishies I feel especially powerful. Like a strong threatening leader of their Atlantis village. HAhhaa.

I must be secretly power hungry.

Anyway, I wonder if I can teach fishes tricks? Or make them grow larger by talking to them?They must be so bored. I really like watching them, they are so calming and somewhat relatable. Their swimming is so frantic and crazed. Whipping their tails in circles, churning the water with nervous energy. I like that. They're so desperate in their swimming that it makes me think they're so eager in their living despite how small their hovel fish tank is. It gives them a frenzy for life. And sometimes I think they're trying to get out.

Watching them is calming to me because it reminds me that humans aren't the only ones struggling with life, that fishes have their desperate, crazy moments too.

That is why I really like them.

They have guts and spunk!

They're not like the past fishies that were so lifeless and limp. These fishes are fighters. Possessive of food, crazy for attention and so very frenzied.

Urgh. I have so much to type. This blog is extremely cathartic. I love it.
I shall end it here just so I can start a new post later and label it nicely and organize my thoughts better.

I have a dream...

So last night I had this weird dream.

(//Okay, in my first post I mentioned in my goals how I'm going to post once a fortnight, let's switch that with the sketchbook/diary entry okay? From henceforth, posting can be whenever, sketchbook/diary will have to wait for once a fortnight. Anyhow, it's not yet 2010 and the goals don't start till then!)

I dreamt of a locust butterfly with monarch colours. It was a child I was taking care of and he had transformed to an insect. I kept him in a 2 litre pop bottle that I had thought was filled with water. For some reason, I had thought it would live and I kept talking to it, encouraging it, caring for it, until I noticed that it was floating quite limply above the water. Yet, even before then, I had sub-consciously noticed that it was floundering, but I had no intentions of letting it out. So in my dismay, I began to carefully pour the liquid out of the bottle and reach for it, only to realize that the liquid inside the bottle was not water, but pop!

I was slightly worried, but not as worried as I should be. As I began to pour out the liquid, the rush of pop ripped the wing off of the poor insect. At that point, I already knew that the insect was dead. I'm not sure if the me in my dream remembered that the insect was the transformed child, but I was quite calm.

I carefully lifted the bug out of the bottle and laid it on a napkin. Patting it down, the me in my dream thought of drying the insect then taping it in my sketchbook. Sub-consciously I realized how cruel that was as it was the transformed child but I didn't think too much of it, and the emotion I remember having at the point was me feeling very pleased of myself to collect such an insect to add with my collection of dead insects.

Then I woke up. I think I still felt pleased and was a little dismayed when I couldn't find my dried bug anywhere in real life.

Oh dreams, sometimes you are too real for me.

Let's be honest.

All right. I'm going to be honest here.

I feel really worried today. I don't know where to write it, I don't like to think it, so I'm determined to post this. Just to let it all out, you know?

I'm really worried. Even though today I've been at home all day, I feel as if I've been on a emotional rollercoaster. I've been apprehensive, anxious, nervous, distracted and worried the whole day. Well, it's been suppressed with my avoidance and my dallying with art and the computer but the emotions were still sitting there. Maybe quiet, somewhat dormant, but waiting. It's made everything I've done today tinted with an edge and a quivery-ness which makes me extra careful and slightly hesitant. It's been a weird day.

It all started with the bail.

After Wendy and mom left to figure things out. I've come to realize some things about myself that I haven't known. Like how cold I can be. How dismissive in my avoidance. How much an indifferent person I am. How I much rather be a bystander than an active participant in anything, including life.

I've known it before. Somewhat self-consciously, sub-consciously but never quite taken notice of it. But today I've realized that this is one part of me that is not likely to change. I don't like being a "doer" and I don't like being anything that involves too much strong emotion. I like to live my life placidly, blandly. It means that everything is okay, nothing is unruffled. Life for me doesn't have to be exciting.

And all right, if we're being totally honest here, I don't find the need to have too much excitement in my life most of the time, because I'm one of the fortunate ones who have lucid dreams. Therefore all my excitement can live in my dreams, thank you very much. Adventures, magic and fantasy are available in the safety of my sleep.

Anyhow. Today has been a weird day. It's also made me realize what I need to change about myself. So it's good that I'm starting this blog to list all my shortcomings, all my secrets, all the things I'm so frustrated about but too lazy to write. Posting all this up is helpful I think, because it allows me to feel as if I'm communing with all the other blogs or thoughts floating around here. It makes it less alone than on a piece of paper hidden somewhere in pages of a notebook that I don't really remember to use.

And like I mentioned before, I miss blogging. I miss writing too. Not essays, but real thoughts, and sorting them out. Recently, I've also noticed how I like to leave my thoughts unopened or reflected. This is a huge problem. I've realized how awful I am at confronting anything, even my own thinking, when things just seem to get too complicated in my head, I just leave it. It's so frustrating! Therefore, I am going to aim in being Wordsworthian and allowing my memories and thoughts recollect in tranquility, thus letting me to truly sort things out in my head.

So, that's it. Today is the day where I will try to change and be better. To not let my thoughts sit but to stir them out, straighten them, mark it, and note it so it's in concrete form (or as concrete as a blog post can be).

So The End, Mess-in-my-Head!

101 goals

I feel inspired today, so I decided to make a blog to host my 101 goals.

1. To learn how to knit.
2. To learn how to crochet.
3. To find out the difference between crochet and knitting.
4. To crochet a flower.
5. To read at least 3 books on my book reading list.
6. To challenge myself at least once a week.
7. To write a short story.
8. To draw a small sketchbook/diary entry once a week.
9. To blog at least once a fortnight. (finally! I get to use the word fortnight!)
10. To compliment one person per day.

Haha. I think I got too ambitious. Let's start with ten goals and expand it every once in a while then?

I miss blogging.