Clarity

Two nights ago I had a great talk. It was good for me because I had let my mind go autopilot and stagnant for so long. I feel as if I have a new direction now, or a start of something better.

I've also had more urge to draw now which is also good because I haven't doodled for so long. I'm easily inspired, easily discouraged, easily pleased, easily disappointed... so at least right now I'm in a more positive mode of mind.

Here's hoping for a better year for all in the coming 2011!

What I've realized:

Today I realized that I want to be someone worth loving.

Which then made me realize that I have a lot to work on.

I've also realized what I want to do for my first two paychecks from my first actual teaching job:

1. The first paycheck will go to a family dinner with Aunty Annie and Aunty May's families.

2. The second paycheck will go to a diamond ring for my mother. I've actually originally wanted to buy my own first diamond ring with my second paycheck but realized that my mom really likes diamonds and really wants a ring from me. She always reminds me that if she dies I'll get all the jewelry I bought her back (which is supposed to be good incentive for buying her jewelry) but that's not the reason why I'm getting her a ring. I actually really like the idea of inheriting something I bought for her. It's like passing love. Or love in a tangible form.

Which brings me to my next realization: I don't want an engagement ring from my future husband. I want an engagement present that can be used for us both. Not something frivolous like a ring (no matter how much I want one), but something that will really be worthwhile for the future. Like a down payment for our first apartment or house. Something that's useful.

I also want simple wedding bands. They're supposed to symbolize unity and love, not to be extravagant or excessive declarations of love. I want them simple, so we can use our money for greater needs. I think that's more worth it.

Anyway, just things I realized while having good conversations.